By Carifesta Rebel
The Caribbean came (though less than was promised), the world watched (no sorry peeked) and all got involved, the stray dogs, the beggars, the Agri-man (huh) all except the Tacuma worms (wanted bulletin issued-description fat, slimy and slippery…now who does that remind us of) and the PNC (we didn’t get tickets).

The Cubans brought a delegation to the opening ceremony and that was it…reports are that while four came to get cellular phones, microwaves and fridges to take back home, the rest got married quickly and applied for citizenship. Austria…brought four coloured halogen… sorry laser lights and fixed them where Jenny…err John did “business”.

The dethroning of Palo-mona-lisa-the-now-relieved was as flat as a cold-egg fried without salt…the natural colour of the crates supporting the projectors was the envy of the Caribbean, the faint “screen” was really for testing eyes, the rehashing of the old dances…same old..same old. She spoke exclusively to Marquee Cox:
MC: So what’s up?

PM(S)L: Boo…Hoo I spent hours on my make-up, hours I tell you, hired a make-up artist just for the occasion and this is what I get…two minutes on stage…boo-hoo I took on this job, thankless I say, no one thanked me, only said bad things about me and my work (foul-ups)…boo…hoo…no thanks at all…
MC: Well, thank you for your time.

Back to Square One (no not the band)
This is not a joke!!!
Warning: Sophia residents to make up for the nine days of lights…there will be twenty days of black-outs starting today. Please bathe in the trench and stock up on candles…buy no perishables but grow more food…go and press your clothes at Aunty Jean in Meadowbrook…but only in the day, because dem sey she does thief lights.

City residents: you are now allowed to throw garbage anywhere, the beggars can now be released and the City can now refuse to pay the garbage collectors…cows are free to roam.

Holy moly fashion mal-function!!! We were stunned, nay, thunderstruck, nay shock and awed!!! No, the first blonde Noel did not pop anything and permanently scar our sight.

It was HIM…HIM…you know…a big HIM. Private Brass ‘two tons’, a fashionista? Save us…save us…it was indeed HIM. It started out as a ‘normal’ evening; there we were wandering about Sophia, nothing to do since the not-so-grand market was empty save for the Vincentians, we’d seen everything before and there was nothing new. Even the so called ‘country show’ was…well, village-like, so after hearing the noise, we dropped into the carifesta fashion something or the other.

A little old lady (of which there were many and why these little old ladies interested in fashion beats me) gave a running commentary…De clothes look like them tek it off from the street people…duh wedding dress look like she budget de too small (reminded us of The Mummy)…is why these men wearing de net over their face, like they friken mosquito bite them…eh eh is wha happen with these people, de gurl a#$ like jello…but look is who…you know who is dat…dat is (referring to Brass two tons-in name and size)…who does be tellin we all de stupidness about GPL…is what he doing here…

What indeed! Having banged our heads repeatedly to get our brain to function…what did we think…err…best friend of the first blonde Noel? Special showing of ‘fashion for big men’? SOS brain mal-function…
Back to the closing ceremony:

Rebel has exclusively obtained Slim ‘my diet is the bomb’ J’s speech at the Closing Ceremony. Following is the full text:
‘My dear comrades, our cancelled, postponed, and no-shows activities over the past few days have brought the Caribbean together like never before…deepened regional integration unlike the capitalist EPA…the main unifying force has been Akon with his unmatchable dry-humping (what wonderful artistry)…it was wonderful to see people from Caribbean coming together in a safe way…Les would approve…it has also been noted that dutty winning and the hot wuk brought each of us closer too…assisted by Parbo and Polar…all products of the Caribbean. However, I must express displeasure that hostile pastors kept their daughter under lock and key.  Dry Humping rocks!!!  I must thank the young lady who wined with me here on that momentous occasion…I have also learn the wacky dip and the… err…linga linga.

I must thank my team for a job well done…the $10M tickets that you lined up for can be kept as souvenirs and you can tell your grandchildren how life was back then. I must not forget to thank rising superstar Coif Boy, even though his smile now seems forced…his new album ‘Mohawk’ is coming out next month, support!!

Finally, although he has been on the phone every time you see him, doing only blue power (or is it digicel) knows what…praise must be given to rice ‘paddy my resume’ drama-lall and Palo-mona-lisa-now relieved- though-lesser-still…they have brought this festival to a level that CN would be proud off…never mind that we have seen almost every local performance before.

Rebelservations.
It was very disturbing to see…those paintings of the Cathedral, the Stabroek Market, the National Cultural Centre and other buildings at the Stadium with water surrounding them…is that a warning??

The parachutist came out in threes because they had to be pushed out…tsk tsk tsk.
Ok Amerindians, we’ll transport you in trucks and tractors back to your villages now and call your grandchildren when we have a new ‘culture’ festival…here’s a souvenir ticket. Now go capture some Tacuma worms and keep them in a cage, practice making a canoe too…improve the fly…make it 90 proof.

Halleluiah, Halleluiah, Halleluiah, that blasted careeeeeeee song is history…hooray…one more time and we’d have punched Punch.

Yay…a new photo caption competition…win free souvenir tickets:
What is Palo-mona-lisa-now-relieved thinking in this photo:

1) Good riddance

2) Hold me back, hold me back, only one thing’s keeping me from crushing this scroll!!!
3) I’m coming for you Rebel (ooh I’m scared boo hoo)

Tourists
Yay…out tourist numbers are finally up…uncle Tribett and aunt Padmini and cousin Nekeisha came…they add up to 30 in all (exchange rate: 10:1)…now let’s have those numbers.