The weird end of fashion

20091212boxFor some people, Christmas, not Halloween mind you, is the time to bring out all the atrocious colours of eye shadow available, blood red lipstick and hairstyles fit for scary stories. The things I have seen pass for fashion have even inspired a few lines:
“Oh yeah baby, it’s Christmas time again Oh yeah

I’ve got my pound of bronzing powder ready baby

And my peroxide too. Oh, I can feel the Christmas spirit baby,

Feel it in my toes. See me bobbing down the street, baby,

With my platinum head and shiny face on show.

My lips are shiny red, baby, just like Rudolph’s nose.

My cheeks are well bronzed, baby, they match my tiny shoes.

See me streaking through the town, baby, bringing Christmas cheer.

I’ll take away your woes baby and bring you frosty beer.”
No, I’ve not been drinking eggnog on the job. I’ve just been daydreaming; trying to entertain myself some because I’m just not feeling the Christmas spirit. I’m picturing what I’d look like if I decided to join the weird end of fashion for Christmas.

For quite a few years now I’ve noticed that bad make-up usage is ten times worse around Christmas. Some men no longer have to look for a familiar jacket to recognize their women this time of year. They can see them from a distance because all the glittery gunk and glossy lipstick is just too hard to miss.

I’ve recently listened to the woes of one man who says he literally hides from his woman around Christmas. He swears that a red, orange and sky blue outfit just doesn’t go well with red hair and a face that looks as if it were powered with gold eye shadow. I’ve got to say, the man knows what he’s talking about.

Who knows, maybe some women think Christmas is the next carnival. With all the make-up tips available out there it just amazes me how some women can still get it wrong. I think that by now we should all know that less is always more.

So far this month my favourite monster make-up case is something I saw in the city a few days ago. I like to call it “The startled slab of orange beef”. I was walking along a popular Georgetown street, minding my own business, and thinking about coffee when she caught my eye.

She was standing at the street corner talking to a friend, her hot orange – I hate the colour by the way – dress caused all heads to turn. Her meaty legs and tires were on display and I silently applauded the woman for being bold, well that is, until she turned around.

Silver just didn’t go with her complexion and certainly not when she plastered it on her eyelids then tried to cover her lips with a metallic shade as close to silver as she could get. It was horrifying and what was even more disturbing the woman clearly thought she looked good. So who was I to criticize?

Well, sadly I’ve never been one to keep my opinions to myself so without thinking I made my way over to her. After interrupting her conversation, introducing myself, and complimenting her dress I very gently offered to give her make-up tips.

I will not disclose here what happened next. I’m sure you can guess. The woman was about 5 inches taller than I am and had a good 100 pounds over me as well. Let’s just say I learnt how to keep the rest of my opinion to myself that afternoon.

So ladies, if you’ve got a few friends who tend to over do it for Christmas give them some constructive criticism. However, don’t ever tell a strange woman about her make-up; unless you want to be the victim of a homicide. Ignore all the horribly made up faces this holiday and thank the Lord it isn’t you face!

Here are a few more lines that can be chanted in a sing song voice to annoy everyone:

“Oh my baby, she’s made Christmas the new Halloween.

Her face, baby, is like a creature from an alien movie scene.”

(srh.midnight@gmail.com)