By Iana Seales
Sheila* says she is uneducated and grew up without options which is why when she met her reputed husband, he opened a door and she walked through it and ended up being pushed into a corner. She was battered so many times, she said, that she eventually resigned herself to the fact that one day she would die.
Two weeks ago, Sheila said, death paid her a visit. “I jus come back home from a meeting and this man grab a knife and put to me throat. I seh da was it and just close me eye,” she recalled, but he decided to beat her instead of taking her life. Sheila was beaten severely and warned about going out without telling him; he tracked her every move and had to know where she was at all times.
Sheila was ashamed to tell her story. She sat with her head bent, barely looking up for a few seconds before bowing it again. She said that this is a country where people judge you, “make ya feel small” and where women who stay in violent relationships are condemned for it. “Is all I de know, all I de know was dis man love. I de love he,” she said.
She blushed when she said she loved him then said seriously that he had loved her too. But based on the story she told, it appeared he was more in love with controlling and beating her down, than with showing her affection.
At age 32, Sheila looks weary; a tired woman who is still young but hardly looks it; a woman so battered that her body seemed reluctant to do anything. On the day she spoke with us the body was saying “rest me”.
Sheila wanted to talk with us but was undecided for a while. She was also still in the relationship and had feared speaking out. The week prior to telling her story she finally decided to quit the relationship and moved out of the man’s home, leaving behind a one-year-old child who she said simply could not go with her at the time. According to her, the father is taking care of the child because he loves him and she is adamant that he never raised a finger at the child.
She said she first met him around 1999 and fell crazy in love. He was 20 years her senior and had owned a business. She wanted someone to take care of her and he seemed a good fit; he was older and had some money. But three months into the relationship she realized that he was a heavy drinker and that he loved hitting women. Sheila found out that the man had maimed three other women who were in his life before her and was scared, but she was also desperately seeking someone to care for her.
But Sheila suffered tremendously in the relationship. The man would track her down wherever she was working and followed her steps. “People use to point he out and seh look you man over deh,” she related. The man had passed an order that she was only to be at two places at any given time; home and or work. She was not allowed to go out.
Sheila said she was pregnant a few years ago and was under stress. The man could not understand what happening with her and he repeatedly beat her to “ketch meself”. The blows resulted in her losing the child and for five months she was hospitalized with serious injuries. Sheila said she could have died in hospital but that God spared her. She had decided during that time to leave the man, but when she left hospital she had nowhere to go. The man offered her a place to stay and she went along with him.
She moved back in with him and things were good for a few days then the beating started again. Whenever he drank heavily she suffered physically and verbally. “When he drinking he tormenting,” she added. She stayed in the relationship and got pregnant a second time. She had a feeling the man was going to change and lived by this feeling the entire time she was suffering, but today she has realized that there is no change for him.
“I spent years with this man and I know now that he cannot change!” she said raising her voice. She said God eventually helped her out of the relationship and two weeks ago she managed to get out. She said that women need to walk away from men who control them saying she knows what happens in such relationships all too well.
Asked whether she has ever reported the incidents to the police, Sheila said yes, but she always withdrew the complaints before the matter went to court. She felt sorry for her husband and he always begged her to give him a second chance; eventually she stopped going to the police.
Sheila said the baby allowed her to see a rare side of her husband; he loves the child and demonstrates it according to her. She recalled the few months when he showed her that kind of love. Sheila said a friend eventually encouraged her to seek counselling and she decided to visit Red Thread. She said the organization was there throughout her struggles.
“I don’t think any woman deserves to be treated the way I get treat. He call me all kinds ah things. He call me a dog and treat me like one,” Sheila said. She called the relationship “a really messed up” one saying no woman should have to endure what she did. She is currently looking for a job and said that she would take anything because she needs some form of income.
“I could do some domestic work or anything that involve working with my hands. I don’t want to ever go back to that man,” she said. Sheila wants her son, but said she cannot support the child now. She said reports have reached her that the child is doing well, but every night when she goes to bed she feels the pain of being away from her child.
“When I look back at the years I know I can’t go back to that. I went back so many times, but this time I have to be a stronger woman and mother, for my child sake,” Sheila added. She will continue to job hunt until someone hires her. She said her family is in no position to help her.
*The name of the survivor was changed to protect her identity .
