Dear Editor,
The media have an important role to play in raising awareness about domestic violence and domestic violence prevention. The media should be wary though of how it does not become part of the problem, even in the pursuit of its claims of ‘objectivity’. The media could reinforce the stigma and the shame of the survivors of abuse who do not make decisions which others would make to leave.
A recent case was reported in the papers about a woman found bleeding and unconscious. The media reported that the woman had said she loved the man who had been abusing her and the reports generated website comments of the usual “stupes, we fed up wid she”; “something wrong wid she”; “de licks mussee mek she bassidy”; “she mussee like it,” and on Facebook, “SMDH” (shaking my damn head). The helpers in their various forms are frustrated with the woman.
The media though, interestingly enough, do not pursue the perpetrator or his friends, relatives or employers to find out what the circumstances are, and what they can do or would like to do about the man. The media does not pursue the justice system to find out whether circumstantial evidence can be used to bring the perpetrator of the abuse to justice. One magistrate had said in a session, “something is wrong with these women who keep begging me.“
There are complex reasons why persons remain in abusive relationships.
Each of us have our own lives and our own circumstances. Some of us who silently witness abuse would know that it takes a lot of emotional and spiritual strength to try to break out of the relationship. There are strong religious and cultural influences like forgiveness – “Ow… so much years… yuh cyan waste all dem years… is your karma.“ There are deep psychological traumas which have to be healed and worked through; different people have devised different coping mechanisms and change is difficult. We do an exercise in our training workshops when we ask people to change their seats mid-session, and that causes enough disruption even when people say that they were uncomfortable in the beginning of the session.
The media cannot tell all of the story. Survivors have written books, not limited word length articles in newspapers. Many of the people in abusive relationships already feel a sense of shame in working through what is happening to them, as they work through the various chains trapping them – money, love, emotion, family, children, starting over, hoping that the abuser would change, hoping that God would change the abuser. When the media want to report on any woman’s decision to ‘stay’ or not to prosecute and the public is allowed to cuss and condemn, one of the side-effects would be this reinforcing the shame.
All of us who have ever had to seek help in any way would know how that when seeking help, we do not want to be made more powerless nor do we want to be judged for our decisions. Some of us resist seeking help because we do not want to be seen to be weak or dependent on the helpers (“They does help and den wan’ fuh talk“). Helpers therefore have to learn how to work with the persons being helped to ensure their own safety and well-being, even if they want to go ‘back’ to abusive situations. Helpers have to also be able to listen and allow those in abusive relationships to work through their own reasoning and rationale and how to overcome all the cultural and social learnings which trap them in the abusive relationship.
If the media would like to contribute to the eradication of domestic violence in our society, they should therefore be conscious of how the possibility of further shaming survivors of abuse is balanced against the public’s right to know.
Yours faithfully,
Vidyaratha Kissoon
