Battle in my mind
Honestly, no one knows the constant battles in my head. There are three personas: I call them Joy, Sadness and Anger, all speaking at the same time; all telling stories and trying to solve puzzles. They can all dream and they all reminisce deeply; all at the same time.
They cannot be controlled. Music and drama speak to them, but even these distractions are sometimes mere toys for my ‘multiple minds’.
It is hard to grasp the idea of my mind; I’m sorry ‘minds’, much less explain them; ideas are constantly shifting. My mind is a maze and each turn is a puzzle; each puzzle is a porthole to another puzzle and every answer comes with a contract. My mind is constantly on fire, uncontained and I’m not going to try it can’t be tamed.
It is this fire that builds me. I can swiftly convince one mind to agree with the other, but I can never shut any of them off. They help me write and view stories from different angles. They help me speak and take into account what everyone wants to hear. They help me dream and to build from a perspective where all can be appreciative. They help make others happy by understanding their differences and of course manipulating that knowledge.
Many people have two processing patterns, logical – controlled by the left brain hemisphere: language, logic, analytic, numerical, critical thinking, reasoning; and illogical – controlled by the right brain hemisphere: emotions, music, recognising identities, images, arts and creativity, colours and images, intuition. We all have that mind battle with the two but what happens when the hemispheres in your brain create three distinct bodies which co-exist?
I should be able to say I’m lucky to have multiple consciences. I defy the laws of nature. We’re only supposed to have one logical voice talking but I have three all telling me three sides to one story; sometimes three stories to one side. But how am I lucky when I am constantly overthinking and drawing worlds in my head. In literature they call this conflict man versus self, and metaphysics corresponding with philosophy is correct by perpetuating mind over matter, but mind controls the matter and sometimes mind can be matter.
They never tell me to do bad things, these personas. They just want answers to every bit of life. They want to solve puzzles and play games to create a world they would be pleased with. What I can’t understand is why they all must talk all at once.
And if you think I’m crazy then of course your mind can only see one reasoning when mine can see three, it is one voice with three opinions based on the effects of happiness, sadness and anger – not necessarily my emotions but the emotions of the general surroundings. This allows me to transform myself into any being, no not a completely different personality but to shift into the temperature of the environment, making one mind dominant over the other. And that is what I don’t get: how can one’s environment significantly change the way one processes thought? Mind over matter or matter over mind? Ha! They laugh.
Mind games my ex-friends call it. Yes, ex, because my mind threw them into the maze of my three thought processes and spat them out in disgust when they no longer intrigued me. Some can understand it and forgive me but others grow tired of the constant bewildering.
I sit now and allow them to write freely as I try to understand them, not once did I stop to think about what I’m writing. I’m sure my editor can see the difference from time to time. I’m sure she would be baffled as to what I am actually presenting now. I don’t even know if this will be published. See how many thoughts went through all at once as my fingers stroked the keyboard?
My head hurts, not physically but trying to grasp ideas I can never singly understand. And no one can understand why, not even any of my minds, that are in a constant battle that can either build me or build me, but will never break me, because I embrace them all