According to our sources, President Jagdeo spent most of the Commonwealth Summit in Uganda trying to flog Guyana’s forests to other leaders.
“Cut down a forest and you get money. But if you do not cut it down, then there is no money for you,” was his somewhat confusing sales pitch.
Later he sounded even more desperate telling the Independent (real quote): “I’m not a mercenary, this is not blackmail and I realize there’s no such thing as a free lunch. I’m not just doing this just because I’m a good man and want to save the world, I need the assistance.”
According to sources, by the end of the meeting he had bent the ear of every leader there to the point where he was being actively avoided during the coffee breaks. “Please don’t let that guy talk to me about his bloody forests again!” UK PM Gordon Brown reportedly urged his aides.
Even during the crucial debate over the exclusion of Pakistan from the Commonwealth, Jagdeo repeatedly changed the subject, at one point screaming. “Screw Musharraf! Will somebody just buy my freakin forests!”
To which one leader unkindly told him he could put his forests where the sun does not shine.
This memo will self combust in ten seconds
Memo to all newspaper and television editors, the name of the Minister formerly known as ******** *** (classified information) is no longer allowed to appear in print or be broadcast.
From now on he is to be referred to as only “the minister” and his ministry formerly known as the Ministry of ***** ********** may also not be identified. In effect he has become an invisible minister whose activities can only be referred to generally. For example should he be in some village on the East Coast beating someone over the head with a gun butt, this should be described as “an interaction with a citizen somewhere in Guyana”.
His ministerial duties can also only be referred to in the most general nature: so his current portfolio to undermine the authority of the person with the title of the ***** and the collection of individuals known as the **** ******, by forming alliances with the **** ***** must not be mentioned. His participation in the government’s strategy of brinkmanship over such issues as the collection of ******* should also be glossed over. His previous incarnation as an ******* in the ****** ** *** ********* and his role in the Lumumba ******* ******* is hereby erased from the records.
Henceforth the reference to his name, within or without a newsroom, is strictly forbidden and punishable under the Unmentionable Persons Act.
Given your current level of co-operation, we feel assured this will not go against your responsibility to keep the people of Guyana informed about their public, repeat public, officials. We know that you will be able to find fancy arguments to justify your secrecy and to counter any suggestion that this is tacit collusion to protect a person of power.
Special thanks to the Kaieteur News for dropping the story completely.
This memo will self combust in ten seconds.
– GINA
Exclusive Party Crasher Interview
Talk show host: Welcome, welcome Mr Party Crasher, it is a long time since you were on our show
