Introduction: In accordance with policies laid out by the Ministry of Unconditional Support and Zero Negativity, citizens are instructed to take the following immediate steps in order to showcase Guyana in its best light for the next two weeks.
All baseball caps are officially banned as set out in the Baseball Cap Amendment Act 2007. Instead The Ministry of Subsidized Local Craft Work for School Dropouts will be distributing the new national headpiece – the wicker hat. This is part of ensuring visitors receive a truly authentic picture of the Caribbean. Baggy jeans and FUBU shirts are prohibited. Instead clean khaki shorts, a plain blue shirt and rubber slippers for men, and virginal white dresses for women (regardless of their status) are required.
All rap, hip hop and dance hall music is verboten. People can only sing one song, “Day oh, Day oh/ Daylight come and me wanna go home,” while sitting in or under a tree with a palm frond sticking out of their immaculate teeth. All those with bad teeth must keep their mouths shut for the next two weeks.
All citizens are ordered to cultivate a look of tropical contentment. Many foreigners read Robinson Crusoe when young and love the idea of the simple living Good Friday who has no worries. Do not disappoint them with worldly frowns. Never mind most of you owe Courts a fortune, and after the World Cup your construction job on the ridiculously named hotel is kaput.
Reaction to mishaps
Despite the Ministry of Perpetual Sunshine’s best efforts to ensure uninterrupted power supplies to the green zone – where foreigners will congregate – there may be an occasional power turn down. The customary resigned shrug – as if this were a daily event – is strictly prohibited. It is vital that citizens express horror, shock and fear while dimly recalling to their guests the last time such an event happened: ” I think it was 1982
