Welcome, welcome to the smash hit reality show “The Great Toilet Bowl Race”.
For those who missed last week’s episode Minister of Miseducation, seeing his career going down the toilet, had grabbed the bowl by the horns and reversed course on whether the Santa Rosa Primary School should have a new fangled flushing (ooooh!) toilet as opposed to allowing the kids to continue their long drops into the murky abyss reminiscent of 28 years of PNC rule.
At a humiliating press conference, he declared: “This is part of the plan, we would not be pushed into this (pit latrine), we have a plan and it is working.” And with that he truly flushed away the last of his credibility.
He added that in Region One, where Santa Rosa is located, 30% of the schools have flush toilets and some also had pit latrines, which they had to use during the dry season when water was not available. He noted also that “in many parts of Guyana, including along the coast, pit latrines were still being used especially in those areas where water was not readily available. He pointed out that entire housing schemes have been constructed with pit latrines.”
This helped to remind everyone of his previous failures as Minister of… yep you remember….Housing AND Water.
He then tried to go on the offensive saying he would never allow the toilet bowl to be used as a political weapon, and accused the AFC of opportunism when it said it would donate bowls to the PTA. “I want to tell the AFC that they cannot and would not be allowed. It would have to be done only with the permission of the school management, the regional education department and the regional administration. They would not be allowed to go to the school. They would have to get the permission of those bodies and finally, perhaps, the Ministry of Education.” (Come to think of it that sounds a lot like the normal rules for getting your child registered in school)
Now in a dramatic move mimicking Republican presidential candidate John McCain, Baksh said yesterday he had suspended his ministry and was personally going to Santa Rosa to dig himself out of the pit latrine of a mess he has dug for himself.
So what’s going to happen in this week’s episode? Well here we are in Parika of all places and with us is Minister Baksh who seems to be wearing a life jacket and carrying a large monkey wrench. What gives Shaik?”
‘My friends, this is a crisis and at such times we need leaders who are willing to cast aside politics and put the interests of their nation’s ruling party first. I have assembled an accomplished team of plumbers; we have bought four of the finest bowls from Gafoors, along with some of those furry mats to fit around them, and we’re heading to Santa Rosa …there is no way we are going to allow the AFC to install those bowls before us!”
“Uh oh, minister looks like you’re too late. There goes the speedboat with the AFC plumbing team…”
“Let’s go team! We have to move our bowls!”
Announcer: Well it looks like the Great Toilet Bowl Race is truly on. Tune in next week when Baksh, after a test run, can’t extricate himself from the newly installed bowl and calls on Team AFC to help him.”
This government runs on 100% bull$*^!
In these days of conservation and the dangers of global warming, Israeli scientists have been experimenting with an unusual form of clean energy, the animal by-product, bovine manure.
A recent study predicted that what we more familiarly know as bulls$%^ may in fact be the fuel of the future.
Of course, per capita, Guyana already leads the world in bull$#*! production. And the nation should be proud that the current administration actually runs on almost 100% bull$%^!.
The government started out in 1994 with only a 20% bull$%&* production rate, but over the years it has since converted every ministry and agency to run on total unadulterated bull#$%^.
Amazing!
One of the pioneers in this area is Prime Minister Sam Hinds who spearheaded the use of bulls%^& for many years as part of his famous speeches that observers have actually calculated (while trying not to fall asleep) are an estimated 99% pure bull$%&*.
Go-Invest’s offices are also nearly completely full of bull$%^&. In fact it has stockpiled 99 years of bull$%^ which is about as long as it will take to build the “Marriot” hotel.
But in a recent technological breakthrough other ministries and agencies now actually work in combination to create huge amounts of bull$%^& that they can then pass on to each other. Take the Minister of Miseducation Shaik bull$%^! Baskh. He will hold a press conference where he will generate massive amounts of complete and utter bull$%^*. Fortunately this is then converted into mountains of bull$%^* by the CBPU, the Central Bull$%& Processing Unit, better known as GINA, which then distributes truckloads of bulls^%& to news agencies.
Most of the independent media only use a fraction of this bull%$& because they have not retooled to handle this unique material.
But NCN, and the Guyana Chronicle are able to handle tons of bull%$^& everyday and spew it out to readers and viewers who if their brains are receptive enough to digesting the massive steaming piles of bull$%^ will go around talking nothing but bull%$& all day or writing bull$%^& letters to the press. And so the Circle of Bull$%^& goes on and on.
Now this new form of energy does have its misguided critics. Some people complain that bull$#%^ does not contain one piece of truth. We won’t bull^$%^ you, it’s true; top quality, high grade bull*&^% does not, but it is also completely harmless. One can listen, read or watch bull&^%* for hours (Take Martin Goolsarran’s hard licking interview with Jagdeo this weekend) and it works almost like a sedative to dull the senses and bring a sense of wellbeing; a feeling that indeed this is the best of all possible worlds.
And the elimination of the polluting and toxic truth is the very purpose of the programme. Truth hurts, truth changes things, truth gets people upset, it exposes shortcomings of ministers, it uncovers stuff we kind of need to keep wrapped up (err Phantoms). Sorry to say, but truth is a blasted nuisance. Why read a depressing Stabroek News headline like “Major loss looms from sugar factory woes” when you can have a feel great headline from the Chronic that states “Berbice bridge a reality”? And that was two years ago.
Yes truth is bad for everyone, especially citizens. It also gets in the way of the national production and consumption of more and more bull$%^. Nothing is more important. And that’s why we can officially announce today a new campaign: “Grow More Bull$%&”.
