The things men do

There was some sort of music blaring in the background. I’ve never been good with music so I can’t really remember what it was. Of course I was sitting at the bar, I believe if you’re doing something then you should do it right.

That night we were out slugging a few cold ones. Well they were slugging and I was sipping. I’m too old to drink much these days.

And then they introduced me to this guy. Let’s call him Mr I-just-got-left. So Mr I-just-got-left was very sober when we met. He takes a look at my drink, raises an eyebrow, looks at my male relatives, and then back at me and says “sexy”.

The dude (very tastefully dressed I might add) turns to the bartender and orders one of what I’m drinking. My relatives look at him now. I later learnt that he wasn’t such a strong drinker but he wasn’t about to let a girl have a harder drink.

So we keep slugging and sipping. About 6 or 7 drinks later he asks me to dance, stands up and falls right on his butt. Such things are no longer enough to get me on my feet. Now between the fall and his slugging all he could tell me about was his ex-fiancee who recently left him.

Then, five minutes after the fall Mr I-just-got-left begins to groan. He gets up, stumbles, holds his tummy and barfs right there in front of us. And that is perhaps the silliest thing a man has done to impress me; drink drinks he really couldn’t stomach.

I hope you’re feeling my pain here. I’m sure most of you have been stuck in some stupid situation like a guy or gal at least once.

Now, number two occurred more recently. Again, I fall into the bad company of my drinking male relatives. This time we end up in the middle of nowhere with food, harder stuff than beer and a bunch of strangers. As it goes with these things I end up chatting with the stranger more than usual. Lo and behold! He shows up at me office several days later.

Now this dude, I have to hand it to him. He definitely is a little creative and if I were the sort of girl to fall for such things I’d be out with him/them tonight. I take a break from my writing and go outside to see him and there he is, rose in one hand down on his knee.

“Will you have beers with us tonight?” is the question he popped.

Ah, the silly things men do to impress a woman. Seriously, it’s such behaviour which makes me feel that perhaps we really did evolve from monkeys. What else would explain such apish, silly behaviour? The part I hate the most are the pick-up lines they use. For example: Boy: “Do you have a mirror in your pocket?” (Me: “Why?”) Boy: “Because I could see myself in your pants.” Or Boy: “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” (Me: “I don’t think so.”) Boy: “Yes, you’re the girl of my dreams.”

So I’ve stirred up some memories for you? Come on, think. I’m sure you can think of one silly instance.

If you’re grumbling about my complaining then I’m sure you’ll love this last bit. Let me tell you about perhaps the silliest thing I’ve ever done to impress a guy.

It was my second year of high school and I was one of the boys. Now, one week and I went to school and decided that I found one of my buddies super hot. He was a problem child. So I figured if I got into more trouble than he did then he’d like me for it. Don’t even ask about my reasoning.

So that morning, I stood in class and told our English teacher that I thought she was a male donkey, you know, that ‘J’ word. Wanna guess where that landed me? One month cleaning the library and missing out on my after school lime with my buddies. (srh.midnight@gmail.com)

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