Weird quirks and couples

Our word of the day is ‘quirk.’ Today we shall examine particularly the quirks couples share. I shall attempt to record the journey from that initial sparkle we see in him or her to that annoying habit which eats at our nerves.

To clear any shadow of doubt in your mind as to what I shall be rambling on about today, I shall first define the word of the day. According to the electronic dictionary which comes with the Microsoft Works suite of computer programmes (the only one within hand reach at the moment) the word ‘quirk’ is a noun which means odd mannerism, a peculiar habit, mannerism, or aspect of somebody’s character.

For this particular piece, aimed at entertaining you of course, I have spoken with several couples about each other’s strange mannerisms. In keeping with requests for anonymity I have used fictitious names for our subjects.

My first subjects have been together for less than a year. They look at each other with big, round eyes and hold hands all the time. I’m happy for them, really I am, he should get what he can while he still can stand hand-holding and she should get as much as she can while she can get it.

When I first asked them to have an honest five minute chat with me they both agreed. There’s nothing they wouldn’t say in front the other, they both swore with fervour. I smiled at that because I knew better. I’d say that 99% of us believe we’re honest with our partners and only 1% can stand the honesty.

So there we were, Pam and George with me. Pam said George was perfect. He smiled at her, gave her an apologetic look and said: “Pam, listen, we promised to be honest so be a sport… I’ll tell you one quirk I absolutely HATE about Pam… she [let’s loose flatulence in her sleep]. The stuff is really smelly too!”

I maintained my professional demeanour. Letting loose smelly flatulence during sleep when there is a second party to suffer is a most serious issue. As George mans up and tells the truth a series of expressions flicker across Pam’s face: shock, embarrassment and then outrage.

“Well,” she says giving George a most nasty look and then a look at me, “he lets loose big [flatulence] too! He does in his sleep, he does it when we’re walking along the seawall and he thinks the waves will drown the sound out and he even does it in the shower!”

I’ll have you know that at this point I have not laughed. I will not laugh. Large amounts of flatulence being released into the drainage system and in public places is a very serious matter indeed!

And so it was that couple number one discovered that they share the quirk of flatulence. I also told Pam and George that they most likely will not like what this looks like in print. Ah well.

Now couple number two was a very honest bunch. Parsram and Indranie admitted that they never lip lock unless they’ve chewed some gum. Parsram does it because he knows brown rum kicks on his breath and Indranie started doing it because she thought Parsram thought she had bad breath. Glad I was able to help them finally sort that one out!

Finally, we come to couple number three. When Jay met Kate it was like she’d stepped out of his dreams and into his life. For months he couldn’t believe that he had finally found a woman with so much in common with him. However, he later learnt that she shared his quirks as well.

She picks her nose even when there’s nothing to pick and she slurps her coffee. It was enough that Jay couldn’t stop doing those things but it was even worse that his girlfriend did them too! Think you can guess what Kate said to me?

Need I go on? Really? I know you’ve experienced at least one of these things. I know you know what we all know. After we’re dazzled by that initial sparkle we have to work very hard to get by the flatulence, bad breath, nose picking, slurping… really? Need I go on? (srh.midnight@gmail.com)

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