Dear Editor,
Norman Browne’s letter ‘The culture of the ownership of women must cease’ refers (Stabroek News, August 16).
The cry for justice and change in my country of birth is long overdue. Women treated as property is an expression of the condition of a society’s level of mental development. Assets demonstrate wealth, therefore to own something or a number of things is evidence of a person’s wealth. In a society riddled with unemployment and ignorance how can a poor man acquire his wealth? His wealth is acquired by street smarts and charm. The lack of money is replaced by intimidation and manipulation. Houses, land and cars cannot be acquired with intimidation and manipulation, therefore the next best thing is women. Women are a poor man’s asset.
The number of women says, ‘I am the man’; the man to look up to for the boys and the man to admire for the girls. The boys see this man as smart because he controls so many women. The girls see his outward appearance, for example, his dress style, his mode of transport, his job, and the money he has at the present time. She most often never looks at the way he treats women. If someone tells her about his abusive ways, her comments are, ‘I am not her! He is not going to do me like that.’ However, after her time is up she is abused and replaced.
I understand this mentally so well because I grew up in it. Girls are conditioned from an early age to expect a little and hope for a lot. Give until it hurts and maybe one day you will receive what you need. How can she expect something she has no knowledge of, and does she know her worth, when her worth is measured by the man in her life and most often the worst example of what a man should be? From birth her father may be absent or a visitor; as a girl her uncle(s) or the neighbourhood men may be womanizers and abusers. In her adulthood she chooses one of the examples she knew from birth. Where is her self-worth and how can she find it or value it?
But where is the worth of a woman who was trained to serve her man or husband? How can a woman find her worth if it is measured by the men in her life? From childhood to womanhood, girls and women are taught that pleasing your man is the way to success. Girls are told from a tender age, to walk, talk, and act in ways to please her potential man, never how to know her worth. She is told, “Don’t bun de pot or mek the porridge lumpy cause yo man gone beat yo.” These words have moulding powers for a young girl’s mind. She does not want to be abused but realizes that her chance of abuse is high because she is conditioned to expect a beating.
Every child in Guyana has seen, heard, or experienced some form of abuse within the home or community. For the children it is jokes and for adults, entertainment. After my neighbour was heard screaming for her life because her man was beating her, the children peeked to get a better view and the adults whispered from one comment to another. But no one came to her rescue because no one wants to get between man and woman story. Therefore, the woman must have done something to earn her licking. Maybe, she bun the pot.
The next day the children exchange notes and laugh about the event. Sometimes the children of the woman contribute to the discussion about what really happened. These incidents are not far and in between, but are a regular occurrence in the community. Women comfort themselves with the statement, ‘I fight he back girl; I ent gone let he hit me and don’t hit he back.’ But the point remains the damage is done. The family is in crisis. I have seen and heard abuse within my family and amongst my friends for generations.
The women are told to leave, or in the days of my grandmother go back to your husband and do better. Never is the responsibility given to the man to stop the behaviour. I often wondered if men that beat their women think these women are their children or the women need the father she missed growing up. What is the issue? However, I grew up and realized abusive men themselves do not know their worth.
The way to stop abuse is from the mind. Teach boys and girls their worth so they can value themselves and others. If you love yourself you would be secure and accept the notion that others have opinions and views too. Therefore, if a woman decides to leave, a man would not feel impotent and resort to violence, but understand that he can stand firm and move forward.
These abusive men need to find the assets of self-esteem and self-worth. They should stop using abuse to heal their frustration; stand up and be men of change to better the community; teach the next generation how to be what they are not. The excuse of not having an example in your home is not accepted in these times. They should educate themselves and think about their mothers, sisters, and daughters. Ask themselves this question: would I want a man like myself treating my daughter the way I treat my woman or wife? They must find their worth and value their women.
Yours faithfully,
Valarie Oudkerk
