It’s hard to believe that, in just a few days, we’ll be ringing in a brand new year; it seemed like not so long ago that I was rolling my eyes at the loud explosions outside my house as revellers rang in 2014 with squibs and flares. Now, I’m preparing myself for a new, never to be accomplished resolution along with the bangs and cheers of party animals as they ring in a new year again.
I’m also preparing myself for an exciting year for movies; there are some blockbuster movies that I’m really looking forward to, while there are bound to be loads of great finds from the film festivals.
This year in movies was an alright one and there were a few that I caught that were worth the watch: I recently saw Guardians of the Galaxy and was glad I did and a number of Indie films which were surprisingly good.
Of course, there were a bunch I wish I hadn’t seen, but while some were bad, there were others that transcended the meaning of the word. There were movies which left me in shock at just how terrible they were and had me convinced that it had to be deliberate. I’ve compiled a list of five movies of 2014 that were so bad that they really shouldn’t exist and should be wiped cleanly from the annals of history. Hey, where’s Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones with a neutralizer when you need ‘em, huh?
Normally, this is where I’d say something like spoiler alert! However, these movies aren’t worth watching either way so it’s more like time-saver alert!.
Zombeavers – If you couldn’t guess from the title, Zombeavers is the story of beaver zombies. Or is it zombie beavers? Anyway, the ‘horror’ movie’s plot focuses on college kids staying in a riverside cabin who become the targets of a massive, coordinated ‘zombeavers’ attack. The movie follows all of the predictable patterns when it comes to thriller films with college kids; Unimpressive acting? Check. Mild nudity? Of course. Lame pop culture references? Yup. Honestly, I couldn’t decide whether it was meant to be a thriller or a comedy; some of the lines, such as the opening sequence which sets the ‘Zombeaver apocalypse’ in motion, are obviously played up for laughs. A look at the producers shows the confusion; this movie had producers from horrors such as The Ring and Cabin Fever and, interestingly, comedies such as We’re the Millers and American Pie. Apparently the producers couldn’t decide on a genre so they split it down the middle and what we got was a lazy, wasted attempt. Now, if I ever see a beaver in real life, the experience would be marred by this movie. Memorable quote: “We cannot turn against each other right now; that’s exactly what the beavers will want.” Yeaaah, because beavers have motives and can plan and execute their actions.
Bad Johnson – Bad Johnson is one of those movies that has almost nothing going for it. It features a young womanizer who learns the error of his ways when he is forced to separate from the thing that makes him a man. Instead, he now has to set out on becoming a better person while literally battling the human form of his sexuality. If you can read past all the euphemisms and understand the obvious meaning within the movie’s official poster, you’ll see why this film was bound to fail. Bad Johnson is filled with crass jokes and shows women in the worst possible light. Apparently only one female in the entire city can keep herself away for more than ten seconds from the star playboy. The movie’s also a bit racist, predictable and has some of the worst relationship ‘advice’ available on the planet. A really bad movie with a threat that’s not really that threatening climaxes with a highly unlikely and improbable scene where the antagonist attempts to throw our protagonist’s love interest off of a building. Yeah…just stop. The worst part about Bad Johnson is that you can see the actors and directors trying to make this ridiculous storyline meaningful and there is something really sad about that. Maybe if I tried really hard I could find a lesson somewhere in this movie. Thinking, thinking…okay, there’s none and for that this movie should just disappear from the face of the Earth. Memorable quote: “It’s probably the worst feeling in the world to know that the person that you loved thought someone was better.” This from the young man who cheated on every single woman he’d been in a relationship with, including the woman he was referring to.
Sharknado 2: The Second One – Sharknado 2 is probably the worst movie I had ever seen in my life, and that’s saying a lot when movies such as Glitter and Supernova (the one from 2000) exist. Like Zombeavers, you can get a lot just from the title of the movie (‘sharknado’ equals tornado of sharks, duh). Sharknado 2 is one of those movies that you wonder just what the creators were thinking or smoking when the idea came to mind. Perhaps they had been hoping to capitalize on the popularity of the prequel. However, sequels for movies such as this should just not exist. I believe that everyone who watched this movie deserves awards for making it through this hour and a half shark-trocity. I know we shouldn’t expect much from a movie that focuses on a freak storm made up of sharks but nonetheless, I had held a bit of hope that it would have at least been funny or entertaining. Alas, it was more cringe-worthy than anything. Aside from the major inconsistency of a ‘sharknado’, the movie is filled with countless others ranging from the graphics to the unrealistic reactions of the characters. The movie is pure ridiculousness, from some old time baseball player hitting a home run with a flying shark to the main female character hanging outside of a crashing plane shooting sharks shortly before her hand is bitten off. There were a number of times I was tempted to turn off this movie but I stuck it through against my better judgement. I can go on for pages, but I’ll stop and just warn you to stay as far away as possible from this movie. Memorable quote: “The shark kept chasing me and it had this huge scar across its face and I shot it in its eye. But it took my hand. It’s like he knew who I was.” – April (Tara Reid) says from her hospital bed. Now, a logical response to such a statement would be, “what drugs have the doctors put you on, dear?” But Sharknado 2 is bent on distancing itself from all logic and our protagonist Fin (Ian Ziering) instead replies, “No, he didn’t know you. If he did he would have run the other way. I’m sure about that.” Yeah, because sharks are rationalizing beings that we now refer to as he.
Transformers: Age of Extinction – When I first saw this movie earlier this year, I decided then and there that it was terrible and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t put myself through the torture of watching it again. However, this week I found myself re-watching the first three transformers movies and I decided to watch the fourth because it just made sense to. Plus, I’d hoped that my initial opinion of the movie would change a second time around. That was wishful thinking on my part and in fact Transformers: Age of Extinction seemed worse on the second go. First of all, the movie is ridiculously long and seems to drag on; when I expected it to be finished, the second part of the film was now beginning. I also found myself disliking all of the characters, especially the “robots in disguise”. There are tons of other things wrong with this movie but the worst part about it is the redundancy of it all; the first three movies in the series progressively worsened and Age of Extinction provided an opportunity to correct all of the past errors. However, this instalment did the complete opposite and sought to integrate all of the worst parts of those movies into one horrible mess of a film. The overused, unexplainable explosions are still there, along with the terrible, vomit-inducing one-liners. Then of course there are the unnecessary lens flares. The movie offers nothing new and, if it had never existed, it would have made just as much positive impact as it did now, maybe more. I’ve had quite a few regrets in my life and now, thanks to this movie, I can add ‘watching Transformers: Age of Extinction twice in my life’ to the list. Memorable quote: “Whenever you look to the stars, think of one of them as my soul.” – Optimus Prime. Retches loudly.
Best Night Ever – Though technically this movie came out in late December 2013, it’s close enough to 2014 and bad enough to be included in this list. Ever imagined what The Hangover would be like with an all-female cast? Well, that’s what Best Night Ever basically is. Four young women head off to Las Vegas (of course) to celebrate a bachelorette party and things get out of control pretty quickly. This is a plot that has been done umpteenth times before and, contrary to what the directors may believe, becomes boring after the first 15 minutes. Even if the movie had not been so outdated and predictable, it would have lost major points for its mediocre acting and subpar jokes. Throw in the fact that the movie is shot with a hand-held camera and you’ve got a film that just needs to disappear. But then again, what can you expect from Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, the guys who brought you “gems” such as Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans? Also, there are no memorable quotes for this movie; all are either highly inappropriate or just plain unfunny.
Well, there you have it! My list of five movies that need to be killed, cremated, and buried in an urn at the bottom of the world’s deepest ocean. Hopefully you will never have to suffer through them as I did and, if you have already or plan to, bless your poor soul.
Until next time, Happy New Year and may the force be with you when it comes to watching movies!
Do you feel lucky, punk? Then drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org