Coming out of the dark: A journey to understanding and coping with mental health

Ashma John (Photograph by Nadja Ramsaroop)

It has taken me about two years to fully understand OCD and anxiety and to accommodate the idea of being comfortable with dealing with it. While there were days where I felt as if I had the world in the palm of my hands, the truth was I really didn’t know on which days I would feel as if I was thriving or barely surviving. Dependent on what triggers I was antagonized by or whether or not I broke my routine medication intake by accident, my anxiety could suffocate my ability to be rational, force me into isolation and even publicly shame me with meaningless tears.

Before I was diagnosed and prior to receiving treatment which comprised anti-depressants and cognitive behavioral therapy commonly referred to as CBT, I thought of my illness as a part of my personal identity. I was repulsed by the word psychiatrist and unaware of how cultural, social and economic influences can make the realities surrounding mental health invisible.

My need to constantly obsess, recheck, guilt trip myself, and panic uncontrollably over the slightest incident I thought defined who I was even though it was exhausting and uncalled for. I had such an obsession with checking myself for everything that a health care professional once said she felt incredibly guilty to take my money. Without it, my life felt strangely odd until I got the help I needed about two years ago.