“When I was getting her, I had so much dreams for her. I imagine I would be the perfect mother and she would be the perfect child who would grow up to be somebody good in life with a good job and I would be proud.” She rubbed her belly as if the child was still to be born.
“Now looking back, I wonder what I could have done different. I have all these questions like where did I go wrong? And of course, the popular question ‘why me?’”
She is 44 and fairly-well educated with what she describes as a “reasonable job”. The daughter she had so many dreams for is 16 years old, pregnant and refusing to finish high school.
We have known each for a while but we are not close and could be referred to as acquaintances rather than friends but we do have conversations from time to time. She was offloading and I was listening.
I had little words of comfort, but to mention that it was not the end of the world and that her daughter could still have bright future. She gave me a look that basically shut me up and after that I just listened.
“This girl was so bright when she was small, at least that is how I thought and everybody would say the same thing. But when she write Common Entrance she didn’t do too well but I said she pick up at CXC and now the child don’t even want write that! “Look when I find out the child pregnant is like me whole world fall apart and I didn’t even know this girl had boyfriend much more having sex. But now looking back she use to be alone a lot because of the hours I work but I never even think about her doing that. Is like she just throwing all my money down the drain,” she said this part quietly.
“I am a single parent and I know how hard it is and see how hard I had to work to provide for she and now like she want be a single mother too. The boy don’t have no time for a child, but she want the child and I can’t find it in me heart to talk about abortion so it look like soon I would get two children to support,” she continued.
“How could things go so wrong?” she asked almost angrily, but I knew she was not expecting an answer.
“And this girl get so rude, you would think that she would be like sorry and trying to make up for what happen but is like it ‘done happen already suh wah?’ When I try talking to her she not answering me and give me attitude.”
At that point I asked if she considered counselling for her daughter.
“Well not really and is both of us would have to get counselling because I telling you sometimes I feel like I want go out of me mind. You know what it is to have your daughter who you think is a angel and then all of sudden she pregnant and don’t want nothing to do with school?”
We sat for a while and there was so much I wanted to say but didn’t know how to start. As a mother with dreams for my children I felt her pain. I wanted to tell her again that all is not lost but I knew that is not what she wanted to hear.
“Even though she father never looked at her I never regretted having my child. You know some people say we does want live through our children with me I don’t think it was that. It was just me wanting the best for my child. And what is wrong with wanting to be proud of your child?” she continued almost as suddenly as she stopped. “I am not perfect but I think I did everything right. Well not everything because I am human and I know I made mistakes but I try to everything right by my child. I didn’t spoil her and I didn’t abuse her, she never went hungry one day and I provided for her.
“My biggest thing was I work for many hours but I didn’t have a choice. If I don’t work we can’t eat that is the challenge. But it is not like I leave her alone all the time is only when she get big you know I stop paying to look at her. I felt she was responsible enough to be alone…,” she said.
“But you know you are right, things could still get better…,” she said slowly and I nodded my agreement.
“And what can I do? I can’t throw she away is my one and only child is just that I was not ready to be a grandmother and I want her to continue her study. I want her to be somebody in life, do better than me,” she said almost pleadingly.
“I just hope that after the baby, let her get sometime because pregnancy is not easy and I will take care of the baby and I hope she would be ready to write her CXC and move on from there,” she added.
We sat for a while and then she told me that we will talk later. I know we would and I am not sure how it would all end. Sometimes I wish there was a blueprint for motherhood. But as we know there is none and while there is no perfect child, we all wish that out children would turn out alright.
I sometimes look at young men and young women who get into trouble with the law and I feel for their parents especially their mothers who I am sure at one time during the pregnancy would have placed their hands over their swollen stomachs and thought about how well their children would have turned out.
But parenthood does not have a blueprint and the most we can do is what we know is right, inculcate the right values, and pray that everything would be alright.
