He wants me to live with him
Dear Minerva,
I have been with my boyfriend for the past eight months. He is here on a work attachment and has two years left on his contract with an option to renew it.
I am 25 years old, but I lived a sheltered life in the countryside until a year ago when I got a good job offer and was able to persuade my parents to allow me to live in the city with a cousin. We rented a small place together.
The problem is that my cousin is going to be married in a few months and she will move out. I will be unable to pay the rent on my own and I am skeptical about taking a roommate I don’t know as I have heard a lot of scary stories.
My boyfriend thinks that the best option would be for me to give up my place and move in with him. Although my boyfriend and I have been intimate for some time now, my parents have no idea that I even have a boyfriend. It is not something that they would be comfortable with.
Apart from that I can’t help thinking what if he just decides to leave at the end of two years and forget about me? Aside from the embarrassment on my family, I would be completely devastated as I love him so much.
When I think of that, I believe my best option would be to go back home after my cousin’s wedding and try to find work in my village. I have not mentioned this to my boyfriend, but I just know that it would be easier to break off my relationship now, instead of two years from now when we would be that much closer, especially if we were to live together.
-Sad
Dear Sad,
What is sad about all this is that you are not communicating with the people you love. You are making assumptions based on your thoughts and imagination, rather than looking clearly at the entire picture.
There are obvious cultural differences in the way you and your boyfriend approach life. You owe him, at the very least, the opportunity to understand your way. This means that you have to tell him the reasons why you are wary about living with him, rather than drastically leaving your job and him, giving up your hard-won independence and heading back home.
You could very well be misjudging his intentions. While some people think nothing of shacking up and moving on when it suits them, for others, even offering it indicates commitment. You will only learn which category your boyfriend falls into if you have a conversation with him about it.
At 25, you are an adult and therefore in a position to make your own decisions. If those decisions include not stepping out of the mould your parents shaped for you then that’s okay, but it should be your choice and not based on any projections about how they might feel. Furthermore, if you feel that strongly about your parents’ comfort level then you owe it to yourself to be honest with them about the fact that you are dating someone. There is always the off chance that some who knows you might see you and tell them. It would be better coming from you.
It may very well all work out in the end, but you will never know if you choose not to be an adult about it.
There is something about him I can’t figure out
Dear Minerva,
I am 28 years old. When I was 16, I left school and got married to a guy I was in love with. I had a daughter when I was 18. My husband went overseas when my daughter was born, and he came back about 2 times then we got married legally.
After a while, I found out that he was with someone over there and we broke up and I filed for divorce. I didn’t get married again I was home taking care of my daughter.
A few months ago, I went to an island to work and I met a guy who is not from that island, but who moves around a lot to different islands to work. He is really sweet, and a lot of girls fall for him, but there is something about him that I can’t figure out.
So, anyway, we started a relationship. He really likes my mom and daughter. He talks to them a lot, but now that I am back home and he is over there, things have become complicated between us. At times he hardly messages me or calls. Most of his time he is online, but not talking to me. When I try calling him, he is on another call. When I ask him, he says he is working because he is trying to buy stuff and sell it online. But when I was living with him, a message had come to his phone from a girl. He said he did not know who she was, yet he had her name stored in his phone.
He is always telling me that he loves me and telling my daughter the same. I know he does because now that I am back home, he sends money to support me and when I was there whatever I needed he got it for me. Even when I was working, he surprised me with roses and lunch.
But then there is this social media stuff. I can’t understand who he is so busy with. Whenever I ask him, he gets angry and tells me to stop stressing him.
He loves Guyanese girls and talks to a lot of them online too. Please help. I need to know what to do.
-Miss confused
Dear Miss confused,
I am not too clear on what you need help with. You did not say why you returned home, though it seemed that you were comfortable living and working overseas. You also did not say whether you and this guy had made any long-term plans and whether they include you returning to where he is or him coming to be with you. But you did say that he is supporting you, so I don’t suppose that is intended to go on indefinitely.
You seem to hint that this new guy is a bit of a player “a lot of girls fall for him”, and “He loves Guyanese girls and talks to a lot of them online too.” Between the lines is the thought that he is not immune to all of this. Yet, you seem overly worried about a single message from a particular girl whose name you say was stored in his phone.
I also find it telling that you mention his confessions of love for you, but not whether you feel the same way about him.
I will say though that what I have read in your letter indicates that you have trust issues, possibly stemming from your ex-husband’s infidelity.
I am not sure if you are asking whether to continue the relationship or end it, but I will tell you this: you probably would not be able to manage a long-distance relationship, because of your insecurities. Now I am not saying that your current relationship is a perfect one, but I believe, based on what you wrote, that this guy never pretended to be anything he is not. Whether or not you can accept him for who he is, is something only you can decide.
