De sun used to bake me and dry up me throat when Ah used to help Grandfather pun de farm. Grandfather hands de hard and he had big, big muscles.
Daniel de seh, ‘Grandfather gat young boy muscles and good family genes.’
Grandfather tell Daniel, ‘Is rum and farm wuk gat me looking suh, nah no genes.’
Grandfather used to seh, ‘A farming man does save nuff money.’
It was true, too. Grandmother neva used to go de market nuff. When she had greens lef’ over, she used to gi’ Mommy some. Grandfather used to grow pumpkin, cabbage, bora, pakchoi, carrot, ochro, eschallot, eddo, plantain, cassava and callaloo. De farm also had ducks, chicken and some pigeons too. Lucky fuh de pigeons, we neva used to eat dem. Grandfather seh how he rather eat Mountain Chicken. Mountain Chicken is a fancy crappo Dominicans eat.
Grandfather seh, ‘Ah eat it once in Dominica and den ma friend tell me is Mountain Chicken.’ Daniel de seh Grandfather lie but Ah believe Grandfather cah he neva used to lie. Ah coulda neva eat Mountain Chicken though – Crappo look too slimy to eat.
Me and Grandfather de love meking mud castles when nuff rain fall. Grandmother de ask he if he ain’t too big to gat me doing dat. Grandfather de tell she when a lil bai put he han’ in mud, he soul does grow. When we finish mek we castles, Grandfather and me would sid down under a cherry tree and watch de ants carry dem lil leaf to dey home. He tell me, ‘Ya see how dem ants wuking together and gadering dey food, is dem mek a turn a farmer. If ants could wuk so hard, why a hard-back cockroach like me can’ mek food fuh me family?’
Ah tell Grandfather Ah wan’ be a farmer when Ah grow up.
He seh, ‘Good. Some people does look down pun this farm wuk and see it as slave ting, but Ah prefer fuh be on dis farm and provide dan to be lying down pun a couch and buying from other people.’
Ah tell Grandfather dat he vegetables does taste better dan de market people own.
Grandfather smile at me and seh, ‘Ah don’ kay if it taste better dan dey own, once me family enjoy it.’
We used to enjoy de breeze and de cherry tree shade pun de farm. When we under de tree, it feel like no jumbie coulda come underneath it and frighten we.
Grandfather used to seh, ‘Nature does cleanse ya blood and warm ya heart, but people dem ain’t know dat and dats why dey so evil, cah dey disconnect from it.’ Whenever me and Grandfather not pun de farm, we used to be watching Chinee Movie and American Western. Ah like de Chinee where de young bai does go and get revenge fuh he master. Ah never like Westerns so much. De most interesting part was de gun showdown. Ah used to be bored, until de end. Dey had a smooth, catchy song and de camera use to zoom in pun de man eyes and he eyes would tek over de TV. Ah coulda rememba dem songs forever. Grandfather seh when Ah geh big, Ah gon learn to appreciate de slow beauty Westerns have to offer. He seh Westerns is like nature – it is fuh de contemplative, sad and reflective man.
***
But since Uncle Junior dead, me and Grandfather don’ watch no mo’ movie. Me throat don’ geh dry no mo’ and de sun don’ bake me, mud castles stap build and de cherry tree don’ shade me. Grandfather muscles disappear and he skin does look soft like a woman. All Grandfather does do is cry and halla in de living room chair. Ah neva tink men used to cry, Ah din see none cry at de fineral. Maybe dey de crying under dem shades. Grandfather din had on shades, he de wear a black shirt and black pants. When Grandmother start bawl, Grandfather went outside to drink some rum.
Grandfather seh, ‘Me son was good, Ah wish God de tek me instead.’
Grandfather drink out he rum and buss out a laugh. It was supposed to be a joke, but only Grandfather geh it. Dem other men de jus’ staring at Grandfather and drinking dey beers.
‘Ow, get up nah. Junior gone Charlie, ya can’ lie down and cry whole day. It ain’t good fuh ya,’ Grandmother seh.
Grandfather din pay she no mind. All he coulda do was cry. De house was neva quiet no mo’. Grandfather used to halla in de morning, ’til he fall asleep. Grandfather used to halla in de night, ’til he fall asleep. Grandfather used to hardly sleep. De hallering sounds used to stap sumtimes, but he always had tears in he eyes. He eyes would be glued to de roof. Sumting pun de roof had he attention. Grandmother used to go and sid down next to he and hold he two hand. She would shut she two eyes and pray. But no matter how much praying Grandmother do, Grandfather neva stap cry. Grandmother eyes used to look real sad, but no water neva come out. Mommy seh when a woman wan’ cry and she can’ cry, it does hut up all she insides. Grandmother seh Grandfather need to go de doctor.
One night, when Grandfather get up to pee, Grandmother seh, ‘Charlie, you arite?’
‘Ah arite Claudette, is just pee Ah get up to pee.’
‘Ya sure? Come in ya bed now nah. Is over a year now Junior dead, why ya don’ come and sleep?’
‘Claudette Ah can’ leff ma son.’
‘Charlie, me ain’t wan’ lef he neither, but God don’ tek he.’
‘God ain’t tek he, he deh in dis chair Claudette, me son deh right in dis chair.’
Grandmother come out de room, grab Grandfather, h’ist he up and brace he pun de wall. Grandfather look like a dolly, Ah couldn’t even recognise Grandfather. He de looking at Grandmother, but he eyes din see she.
‘Charlie you gat to stap dis ting man, you frightening dem lil chirren in de house. Is whole day you deh crying. Go pun de farm and wuk lil nah, ease ya mind.’ Grandfather ain’t answer she. She shake he up as if he gat a spirit in he and de shaking woulda get de spirit out. De shaking ain’t wuk, Grandfather still din talk. After dat night, Grandfather neva talk again. Dem din had no hallering in de house no mo’. Ah wish he coulda talk again. De next week Grandmother bring a doctor. He tek Grandfather pressure and seh it low. He seh Grandfather need to start eating properly again and he gi’ Grandmother some medication fuh he. Every night, Grandmother used to gi’ he de medication. Grandfather used to swallow it and sleep. Grandfather used to willingly tek de medication. Grandmother would come over in me room and hug me up. Ah never like nobody hugging me up in de night cah de place used to hot, but Ah leh Grandmother hug me up, cah Ah know she used to feel better.
***
A marning me alone geh leff with Grandfather. Mommy went and shop fuh clothes. Auntie Romona carry me cousins to church and Grandmother went and buy greens. A strange ting happen in de house. Grandfather get up and it wasn’t to use de tailet. He walk up to me and gi’ me a kiss pun me cheeks and smile. Grandfather ain’t smile in a lang time. After he kiss me, he grab me hand so tight, it start hut, but me ain’t seh nun. Ah feel he had to hold on to someone. Ah was de only person dere fuh he hold on to. He go in de kitchen and mek some milk and eggs fuh me. He watch me eat it. Ah see a smile and a tear roll down he face. Mommy seh not all tears bad and sumtimes is tears o’ joy. Grandfather look happy to me. When Ah done eat, he wash me cup and plate. Ah walk up to Grandfather and hug he from behind.
Grandfather start stroke me hands wid he fingers, and seh, ‘Ah tink Ah wan’ go wid de lil mud and feed some cherry trees. Ah wan’ contemplate in de wilderness.’
He den turn ’round and squeeze me. Ah feel like if he power and strength de coming back and Ah feel so happy cah Ah de praying Grandfather could stap feel sad. God de finally answering me prayers. When he loose me, one side o’ he lip smile. Ah never see one side o’ nobody lip smile before. It look so strange.
‘Go back and watch TV Tommy.’
Ah leff stun, stun when Grandfather talk. Das de fuss time he talk since Grandmother shake he. He start pull some rope out from under de kitchen sink. Grandfather went in he bedroom and lock de door. Ah feel a lil breeze raise up me skin when he shut de door. Ah start feel scared, scared and like Ah wish Mommy or Grandmother or somebody woulda come home. Ah went back to watch cartoons, but Ah din focusing pun it. Me eyes keep looking at de door. It jus’ keep staring and Ah din know why. Fifteen minutes lata, Grandmother come home and ask weh Grandfather deh. Ah point to de bedroom. When Grandmother see de bedroom door lock, she run to it fast, fast. She knock at de door, but Grandfather ain’t answer. She knock again, he still ain’t answer. She start bam down de door and halla out he name, but Grandfather ain’t talk. She bend down and look underneath de door. Grandmother halla so hard dat we neighbour Pauline come running over. Dey bruk down de door and Grandmother rush inside. She halla mo’ hard when she reach in.
Ah din move Ah jus sid down deh and me ain’t move. Ah de wan’ move but Ah couldn’t. Ma body start rise up slow, slow and ma two foot start move slowly. When Ah reach, Grandmother went pun de floor. Grandfather went up in de air. Ah de wan’ cry, but Ah couldn’t cry and all ma insides start hutting. If Ah de hold on pun Grandfather and hug he up tight, Grandmother woulda neva see Grandfather in de air.
