Dear Minerva,
About six months ago, I ended a relationship with a guy I really cared for because he was taking up residence abroad and I knew that the long-distance thing would not work for me. Also, apart from the looming physical distance, he had a way of being a bit emotionally distant with me although we had both said the ‘L’ word.
We talked about it and agreed that ending the relationship was best. I guess you can say we parted amicably. He left, and we have remained in contact.
I recently started dating this other guy, who knew/knows both of us. He was not exactly a friend, but existed on the periphery of some other people we used to hang out with in a group at times. When I started seeing him, I told him that I was not over my boyfriend, I still loved him, and I explained why we had parted. He said it was not an issue as he was not looking for a serious relationship – just wanted someone to hang with and liked my vibe. Things have been good so far; fun, I should say.
It has been two months. In that time, my ex has begun steadily asking me to reconsider our separation. But while I miss him, I am not sure exactly what he expects me to do. He is not giving me any concrete reasons why I should reconsider. He is still not putting himself out there.
I suspect, too, that he might have heard I am dating this guy through someone in our circle. I have not said anything to him during our communications, and he has not asked me anything, but the chain of events is slightly suspicious. I cannot help but wonder if my ex is being a dog-in-the-manger type at this point.
What should I do, Minerva? Do I risk it all for love? Or should I continue to guard my heart while having fun with someone who appreciates me?
-Torn
Dear Torn,
You have every right to be suspicious of the sequence of events. It seems to me that your ex only realised he still wanted you after you started seeing someone else.
I also agree that if he had been nonchalant during a relationship where you were both on the same soil, he has to do more if he expects to maintain one while you are so far apart. I notice you did not mention receiving Hallmark cards and Edible Arrangements.
Jokes aside, however, you already said that a large part of your decision to end the relationship was the distance. I would advise against ignoring that as these things have a tendency to come back and bite you when you least expect them to.
Finally, love is a two-way street. If you are going to be risking anything, you need to be sure firstly that there is something to risk and secondly that someone else is risking everything right along with you. If that is not happening, it is not going to work.
He has let himself go
Dear Minerva,
My husband and I have been married for eight years and we have one child, who is five years old. I am 35 and my husband is 43 and we have been together for 12 years.
We have always had a good relationship – drama-free – and I have never had to worry about other women. My husband’s main problem is that he has let himself go.
Over the last five years, my husband has gained at least 70 pounds. After I had the baby, I worked on losing the weight I had gained and it seems like as I dropped the pounds, he picked them up. He refuses to exercise. He says he works hard and wants to relax when he leaves work, not sweat.
He relaxes most days with a few beers and some greasy food: pizza, wings, fried fish, burgers, fries and the like, notwithstanding the fact that I cook healthy meals at home that I often have to refrigerate.
We have argued about this a lot and it has not helped that he will not see a doctor, because I am convinced that he is headed for diabetes or something worse.
I continue to workout and eat right, and I ensure that our daughter has healthy food as well, but I feel like I am failing my husband because I cannot get him to check his atrocious behaviour. I worry constantly that I will one day get a call that he collapsed with a heart attack or a stroke. I worry that I will lose him.
In addition, because I look the same way I did 12 years ago, we are always getting comments when we go out. At first, I thought it would push him to get himself together, but I have noticed that he sulks, so I usually ask family members and friends not to say anything about either our appearances when we meet. My husband has a definite ‘beer belly’ and he also has less energy and enthusiasm than before. I am also slightly ashamed to say that I do not find him as attractive as I did, though he is still very handsome.
Minerva, I sincerely hope that you can help me with this. I don’t want to argue with my husband anymore, but I want the man I married, not this heavy almost stranger.
– Troubled
Dear Troubled,
Your husband does need an intervention. If no one had said anything to him about his eating and drinking habits, I would venture to say that he had not noticed. But he obviously knows, so why would he be so defiant?
You need to seriously consider whether your husband cold be depressed as what you have described could be a manifestation of that.
I agree that you should not argue with him, but I do not think you should let up on pressing him to mind his health. Get someone you think he would listen to and have that person talk with him. Ensure that you are there as well to double down on the seriousness of it.
If your husband falls ill now, you would be severely burdened to take care of him as well as a 5-year-old. There would be a loss of income in your home and medical bills as well. The illnesses he is courting with his behaviours are known as chronic non-communicable diseases, which means he would likely have them for the rest of his life and remain on medication as well. And, being diagnosed with any of these lifestyle diseases would mean that he has to change his diet and include exercise in his daily routine. He would be much better off doing that now.
If the problem is mental then that has to be addressed in order for him to change his self-destructive habits. Either way, he needs to seek medical attention. It is important that you reach him, not just for the sake of your marriage but his life as well. Therefore, this is not the time to give up, but to try harder.
