Men’s role in ending Gender Based Violence

It’s true, men usually get a bad rap. When assessing their role and actions in society, they are often placed on the negative end of the scale. The reasons for this are many but are usually centred on the inherent privilege they have over women and the way in which that privilege is abused. Being historical holders of power, men have had authority over the lives of women and children from the beginning. As a result, their needs are always centred and when decisions are to be made, the buck usually stops with them.

This centring of men has unfortunately been working to our collective disadvantage with women facing the brunt of the effects of an ideology that thrives on their suppression and men also suffering from the expectations of their gender. Given their role as primary benefactors and also victims of patriarchy, men have an essential role to play in ending its violent reign. They need to actively rethink and remove themselves from old beliefs of male/female roles and how that is affecting us all.

Many men are accustomed to seeing themselves so separate from women that they do not acknowledge the ways in which they are also impacted by the harmful ideas associated with being a “real man.” Some men are brought up hard. It is said that they need to be brought up this way to ensure that they grow into strong men who will provide for their families and will hopefully not turn into a much-dreaded sissy.

To show weakness is a big no-no as it is seen as an indication of not being in possession of one’s manhood. This rigid expectation has made it difficult for men to pursue lives and passions outside of the strict male standard which promotes elements of stoicism and aggression. So instead of learning how to deal with their emotions and traumas in life, they are taught to suppress and leave them unacknowledged. Of course, trauma buried is not erased and merely manifests itself in other ways that can impact one’s life and relationships.

We know that men do suffer from acts of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Given the gendered narratives often tossed about, male victims are usually unseen. While perpetrators of rape can be any sex, gender or sexual orientation, our warped views on masculinity has made it very difficult for male victims to come forward. This is so not only because of the stigma associated with sexual assault but also due to fears of not being thought man enough. This is a valid concern given how accepted it is for men to police other men’s behaviour and castigate them if they do not fit the standard.

When male victims come forward with their abuse, they are ridiculed, marked as soft and told that they wanted it. The latter is particularly seen in cases where there is female on male rape. The way in which the rape of young boys by older women is fetishized is something that the men in our community really need to grapple with and address amongst themselves. When young men are sexually assaulted by women it is not uncommon for them to be celebrated and labelled as lucky by their peers. However, if they are abused by a man then there is a flip of the script that seeks to blame and shame them. Entrenched homophobia in the psyches of many have wrongly associated male on male rape as being associated with homosexuality. As a result, victims of male rape face even more barriers to gaining healthy support systems and recovering from assault.

Men truly interested in ending the scourge of Gender Based Violence have to first be honest with themselves about how they can be contributing to the pervasiveness of it. We must allow boys to cry, feel and deal with their emotions and traumas. We must allow them to express themselves outside of set gender binaries and encourage acts of empathy and understanding. Don’t be afraid to pull up yuh bredrin dem who commit or encourage acts of harassment and violence. Be your brother’s keeper and actively work on healing together rather than standing aside and finding justifications for their actions.

When it comes to the positive activism and movements focused on the real struggles impacting men, they are usually in short supply. Men’s rights movements have largely been reactionary and opposing feminism, preferring to sell the myth of the male in crisis. They usually do nothing to break down their own internal and external biases that encourages and normalizes the abuse of men, particularly those who do not fit their limited interpretation of manhood. Many would instead choose to draw attention to the host of women’s movements and spaces, making the point that men must be considered and included.

While it is necessary for men to embrace the tenets of feminism and actively challenge the harmful norms, beliefs and actions associated with toxic masculine standards, it is not the role of women to include men in the spaces we created for ourselves. The onus is on men to organize, build and lead each other out of the mire of a system that both celebrates and cripples them. As writer and activist Tony Porter said, “My liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman. As long as we live in a patriarchal society, the majority of men will not be truly free.”