Dear Minerva,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are in a long-distance relationship at the moment because he had to move away for a temporary work assignment.
At the beginning of our relationship, there were some trust issues on my end because I saw text messages from his ex girlfriend saying how much she missed and loved him. They had broken up at least 2 years before we started our relationship, but he told me that since the breakup she had been sending him texts at random time and he would ignore them. I don’t get why he doesn’t just delete them and block her, but I believed his explanation and we moved forward.
Recently, I commented on a video a friend had posted of a good-looking guy, saying that he was hot. I did so for the fun of it and even added a laughing emoji. However, my boyfriend was very upset at the post – that I publicly said I found another man hot and accused me of cheating. He now claims he does not know what I am doing while he is away.
I wanted to point out that I was in the same position but refrained as I did not want to make an already tense phone call worse.
Since then, it seems like my boyfriend is out to prove that I am cheating and although I love him, I am honestly fed up of constantly defending myself. For example, we usually text each other every night just as we are about to go to sleep to say goodnight. One night I texted him, put my phone away then decided I wanted a cup of tea. In the time it took me to go downstairs, make the tea and return to my room, he had texted me 10 times and called twice. I immediately called him back, thinking something was wrong, but he did not answer. Less than a minute later, he Face-timed me and then said he wanted to see if I was really at home and alone because I did not answer his texts.
If I tell him that I am out with a particular friend or that I have friends over, he immediately wants me to Face-time him so that he could see them. If I don’t, because it is not always conducive to do so, he accuses me of lying about who I was with.
Minerva, my boyfriend has a contract that means he will be away for another 14 months. I don’t know if I could endure another month of this. I don’t want to lose him but how do we get past his distrust? How can I convince him that I mean to wait for him?
-Not a cheat
Dear Not a cheat,
You have to tell him that his distrust is wearying. It has to be hard on him too, to be constantly worked up about what you are doing and who you are with when he should be working.
What do you talk about at other times, when you are not discussing what you are doing and who you are with? You might want to initiate a conversation just about this lack of trust and how it makes you feel. This is not a good place to be and it does not augur well for any relationship.
Clearly this was not a problem when you were both in the same place and there is no reason why it should be now. Your boyfriend seems to have inordinate trust issues. What could have caused this? Perhaps there are residual issues from his previous relationship. If this is the case, he needs to understand that you are a different person and should not be lumped into any baggage he is still carrying.
In short, the only way to get past this is to talk, really talk with your boyfriend and hope that he is not so blinded by misplaced jealousy that he is unable to see reason.
I suspect my mom cheated on my dad
Dear Minerva,
I am 19 years old. I have one sibling, a 16-year-old brother. My family is fairly well off. My parents are not what you would call close. My dad is cold; he never expresses his emotions, never hugs us or says he loves us, but he provides for us and puts us first.
He and my mother have had separate rooms for a very long time. They constantly snipe at each other and speak in a sarcastic manner. I have often wondered why they choose to remain together as they seem to have no time for each other and nothing in common.
My dad is usually off doing his own thing, whatever that is, and my mom has a group of friends she hangs out with.
However, I recently became aware that my mom has had or maybe is still having an affair with a relative of one of her friends. This man, who I suspect is also married, lives in another country and was here for a short visit, which he extended. I saw messages from him on my mom’s phone and I actually followed her to his hotel one day.
The man has left, but I believe he and my mom are still in touch. I have been sitting on this information for almost 3 months. I don’t know what to do with it or if I should do anything. I have played out different scenarios in my head and each one is worse than the other.
Sometimes I hate my mom and at other times I feel sorry for her and kind of understand why she did it. My dad does not love her, but he is a very proud man and would lose it if he found out. I want to un-see and un-know the whole thing, but it’s not possible. What can I do, Minerva?
Troubled
Dear Troubled,
As you said, you already know so you need to find a way to put it behind you and move forward.
One way of doing this would be to have a quiet conversation with your mom. Let her know you are aware that she has corresponded with and met this man – because really, that is all you know for sure. Everything else is suspicion and what your mind has conjured up.
But once she realises how easy it was for you to find out about those two actions, she will know that your dad could have done so as well if he was looking. It is possible that he doesn’t care what she does. Their relationship sounds like it might have reached the point of no return and the reason they stay married might be just because they are used to it, or because it suits them.
Nevertheless, it should not be your burden to keep secrets for your mom or to worry about the ramifications of those secrets getting out. She is the best and only person for you to unburden to. And once you do, don’t seek explanations or reasons from her, as those could very well add to your burden rather than relieve you of it; just get it off your mind and move on.
