He has a second life

Dear Minerva,

I have had a very disturbing few weeks.

My partner and I have always been very honest with each other, or so I thought. We exchanged passwords to each other’s phones and social media pages once we agreed to live together, but by an unspoken rule, we do not pry into each other’s accounts. We have been living together for 8 months now.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend had an incident at work during which he was unconscious and had to be taken to the hospital. I was called when it happened, and I went to the hospital.

I collected his personal items, which to my surprise included two cell phones. I never knew about the second one. It weighed on my mind for days after I knew he was going to be okay and I decided to go through the second phone.

Minerva, I was shocked to find out he has an almost second life. He has a list of contacts of mostly women, a few of whom he speaks to on a regular basis. But there is one in particular that he talks to every day, starting with a “good morning, beautiful” text every morning – the exact words he says to me.

After a while, I could not bear to read anymore of it, but I read enough to know that they were having an intimate relationship. He told her that he was in a relationship, but he was not sure he was with the woman he wanted to spend his life with as he is not happy. The woman is also in a relationship with someone else, so they were both cheating.

I turned off the phone and locked it away so that she is unable to contact him right now. He is at home going through a period of recovery and has not even so much as asked about the phone, although I made a point of telling him that I had collected his personal items at the hospital while he was unconscious. Therefore, I have not had a conversation with him about what I know. Instead, I am nursing him and helping him while my thoughts are in turmoil.

I feel sick about the whole thing and my first instinct was to walk out, but I couldn’t because I do care for him and I could not leave him alone while he was still unwell. He has two sisters and an aunt he is close to and other scattered relatives, but no one volunteered to help care for him. They all live far away and basically visited and left.

Minerva, I feel terribly betrayed and like I am not and was never enough. I have been with this man for five years and it is possible that he has been lying to me the whole time. He is twelve years older than me and was married and divorced before I even met him. Neither of us have any children. 

I had high hopes for this relationship and now I am not sure what to do. Is it over, Minerva? Or can it be saved? Grateful for your advice.

-Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

Where infidelity is the issue, whether the relationship is salvageable depends on the ability of the person who has been cheated on to forgive as well as the trust-building actions the cheater is prepared to make. Trust is very important in a relationship and yours has been obliterated while your confidence has also been completely shaken. Yet you have put your feelings on hold to nurse your partner back to health. The love you have for him is obvious.

I would have gone with your first instinct to just get out. I feel like your partner could be a confirmed liar, cheater and manipulator and that this is not his first time doing this. Is it not strange and telling that he has not even asked about the phone?

Given all the time that has passed, it would seem you were able to talk yourself down from that action. What you do next, I believe, will depend on how the conversation goes when you finally talk with him. I think you must let him know you are aware that he cheated and lied to you. And you deserve an explanation, even if after you receive it, you still decide that it’s not worth investing anymore time and effort into the relationship.

He has let himself go

Dear Minerva,

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 8. We have a son and a daughter, our own home and a car. We have a business that we operate together, and we make a good team.

My problem is that in the last 3 to 4 years my husband has let himself go. Initially, he worked out, but stopped after our daughter was born. He has put on some weight, not a ton of it, but he definitely has flab and love handles, which are very unattractive.

He used to get up, shower and dress for work before opening our business which is next door to our home. He no longer does this, and sometimes does not bother to shower at night either. He also badly needs a haircut. I don’t think he has been near a barber for a year.

I, on the other hand, still exercise and I am at the weight I was when we first met. I do not go into the business until after I have cooked and sent the children off to school and also groomed myself. I keep my hair styled nicely and get regular manicures and pedicures.

Because of my husband’s behaviour, I find I cannot be into him. When he doesn’t shower at night, I sleep in another room. I asked him once about not showering and it blew up into a huge argument, so I choose not to say anything anymore.

He does work hard, but it cannot be the only thing he does. We have employees so he can take time out to go to the gym a few times a week and for me personal hygiene is a must. I feel like my marriage is in a bad place because our sex life is nil these days and we only ever talk about the business.

Am I overreacting? Is this how marriage evolves after years together? We are still both in our 30s, so why do I feel like my life is over? Please help.

-Bored wife

Dear Bored wife,

You are not overreacting. Your marriage is definitely in a rut, but of course your life is not over at 30-something.

Clearly, your husband is also in a rut and you are not helping by choosing not to say anything and sleeping in another room. He might be successful at the business, but he is obviously not making your relationship a priority and that has to change.

You have expectations and needs, and you need to discuss them with him. Communication is vital in a relationship. If you can talk about the business, then you can certainly talk about your marriage and what is not working for you. Be sure to listen to him also. There may be things that are not working for him. It has to be a two-way street.

If you have someone who can run the business for a few days or a week, I would suggest that you and your husband take a short vacation. Further, make a point of taking vacations together and with your family every year from now on. All work and no play seem to be part of your husband’s problem.

You both need to work on your relationship so that you reintroduce the love and fun, which along with the commitment and loyalty you already seem to have will make for a binding union.