Women are encouraged to leave abusive relationships, but are we preparing our men to cope when they leave? Are boys being taught to be confident and well-balanced? Are they being trained to practice self-control? Is anger management a part of their schooling? Are they prepared to be vulnerable and seek help when they cannot cope? Are we raising boys who will be honourable men or those who will learn to creep and stand but only walk on the peripheries of the qualities that define good men – like being strong but not fearful of being vulnerable, kind and compassionate, honest and respectable?
The stories of women who left abusive relationships and then were killed or seriously harmed are not unfamiliar to us. Their names have been written in blood from being stabbed and decapitated, on the bullets that pierced them, in the ashes from the fires that burned them, on the hands of those who have strangled them, on the surfaces where they collapsed and died, and in the memories of those who loved them.
Below the dirt, their once beautiful selves have turned to bones and dust or their ashes flow in the rivers or blow in the wind or are still in the urns, and the voices of those who loved and miss them will often call their names, like those of Reona Payne, Deoranie Inderpaul, Onica King, Dianna Hernandez, Lowtie Atwaroo, Rosemary Rudder and now Omwattie Gill.
Omwattie Gill was twenty. From what I recall of twenty, it was a time of hopes and aspirations, happiness and discovery, and coming into womanhood. She listened to the advocates, the writers, relatives, friends, all those who encourage the victims of intimate partner violence to walk away. She did not wait five or ten years, but within months, she decided that she had had enough and left with her seven-month-old baby. She used the laws that are in place to protect victims and obtained a restraining order. The accused, her husband Gavin Gill, was not to be within a hundred feet of her, the child or her mother, to whose home she had returned. She secured herself a job to provide for her and her child and it was as she walked to that job on March 30th last that the suspect allegedly first hit her with the car he was driving. He then got out of the car and allegedly stabbed her about the body before chopping her neck several times with a cutlass.
We often have minutes of silence for the deceased, but when I read about what had happened to Omwattie I had several minutes of just wanting to scream. A daughter, a wife, a mother, a human, slaughtered on the street like her life had no value, like her twenty years could just be erased by the hurt, pain, insanity, stupidity, immaturity of the man I am sure she loved.
I wonder if she had fears of him killing her. If her nightmares included visions of seeing the outline of her body or imagined her face being broadcast in the news. I wonder if she had thought about her child growing up without a mother, a baby cut off from her mother’s bosom, who would have no memory of her, would not remember her kisses and her love or seeing her lying still in a box. At twenty, no one should have to entertain such thoughts.
What are women in abusive relationships to do? Many of us have judged those who stay, but perhaps cases like Omwattie remind us that whether the woman walks away or not, in some instances her chances of surviving an abusive relationship are slight. Are women both doomed if they leave and doomed if they stay?
It may be easy for us who have never suffered intimate partner violence to question why women remain at the mercy of men who will not keep their hands from swelling their eyes and bursting their lips, and leaving black and blue marks on every inch of their bodies. Abuse is not only physical, but it can also be psychological and financial.
There are many other Omwatties. There are many other Gavins. It is difficult for many women to find good men in these Guyana streets. I have observed, listened and argued with many who believe that a woman should be submissive and, if she complies, the man would have no cause to beat her; she is to have her thoughts scripted for her and should be punched and slapped and kicked if she falls out of line. These are the beliefs of many men and, sadly, also some women.
The right-minded men in our society, the role models, cannot raise all our sons. Maybe they are not enough, and their first responsibility is to teach their own sons. The men who abandon their sons or have never been involved in their lives are a part of the problem. A son’s first role model should be his father. Those who assume the roles of mentors cannot teach all our sons what it means to be honourable men. While they can be an example to many, they cannot reach them all. But we have reached a point where more men must become proactive. Men will listen to men. The time has come to change the beliefs that shaped many men; to unravel that learned destructive behaviour. It is cultural, religious and social and cuts across economic boundaries. It is men who must begin to shatter those patriarchal beliefs that influence and leave women subject to abuse.
The brutality of men like Gavin Gill tells us that as a society we interact and break bread daily with men who are psychopathic. We have seen many before him and, unfortunately, we may see many after him.
It was reported that Gavin also drank often. We cannot deny the role alcohol abuse plays in intimate-partner violence. Whether they are drinking to cope with their hurts or inadequacies, it is an issue all related to the lack of positive coping skills.
When Gavin went to court he asked to see Omwattie’s face one last time. The same woman who is cold now, bruised, stabbed and cut, on whom he had no mercy, he asked to see her. Perhaps he feels some regret, but it is too late. Had he recognised his weaknesses and sought help, maybe he would see her face a thousand more times, beautiful and happy, full of life, living her dreams as she should be.
