Haters at work | He is perfect for me, but he has a girlfriend | He refuses to kiss me

Dear Minerva,

I have been reading your column in the newspapers for years and I would just like some advice on a matter I have at work.

I have been part of an organisation for the past 10 years. I absolutely love my job and while over the years I had my ups and downs, this year was extremely stressful. I recently got married, built a house and got a promotion all in one year and my colleagues at work have started to act strangely. I absolutely know, without a doubt in my mind, that they are jealous of me. How? They constantly belittle me by calling me names, sending me derogatory messages online and tagging me on Facebook in memes that can destroy my image as a career woman. But the last incident triggered a nerve.

Two of my colleagues had a sit down with me and told me that my husband of about five months was unfaithful and they even began to destroy his image by making fun of his physical appearance, his job and family background right in front of my face. I was shocked but kept my composure. It did not stop there. Another colleague who works in my department very impolitely told me the same thing again. Because I operate in a professional environment, I did not say anything as my response would have come from a place of anger and I could lose my job for that.

On one occasion I went to management and complained about the problem, but the manager was not particularly helpful: he told me to quit and look for another job. This is very hard because I am in line for another promotion. I have commitments and another well-paying job like the one I have would be hard to come by.

At this time, the heckling and shade throwing are getting to me. What can I do or say to my haters at work to get them off my back in the most professional way possible? Thanks in advance.

-Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

I noticed that you referred to your workmates as colleagues rather than friends. After working 10 years in an organisation, one would tend to form attachments and make friends. But if these people are not your friends, why would they have the temerity to have a “sit down” with you to address personal issues? Why would they assume you would entertain their so-called intervention? As a matter of fact, why did you?

All you needed to do to halt them in their tracks was walk away. I mean they could sit with you to talk about work issues of course, but the minute it gets personal, it’s your prerogative to shut them down, especially since management seems unable or unwilling to get involved. At the very least, your manager could have addressed the issue in a general manner. Does your workplace not have policies or rules on office conduct?

As regards the memes and tagging, protect yourself by removing the tags, unfollow the trolls on Facebook and other social media and ignore online messages from them unless they are work related. Do not entertain any talk that verges on the personal; the minute it starts, leave the room. If they choose to continue, they will be talking among themselves.

These are all short-term measures, of course. You will need to give it a few months to see how/if they work. In the long term, there are two avenues that could be open to you. The first is that the next promotion places you over these troublemakers so that you will be in better position to determine how you relate to them. The second is that you start looking for another job and then quit after you find one. Working in a stressful environment is hard on your health.

He is perfect for me, but he has a girlfriend

Dear Minerva,

I started working at a reputable organisation eight months ago; this is my first job. For the past six months, I have been dating a colleague, although he is from a different department. He is 10 years older than me, very experienced and a gentleman. He makes me laugh and has exposed me to the kind of life I always dreamed of for myself.

The problem is that he is involved with someone else and they live together. He has never hidden that from me, but he says, and I agree, that there is something lacking in that relationship.

He and I have a lot in common and I feel we would make the perfect couple. However, at the moment we are trying to be discreet because he respects her and the history they have.

Sometimes that inner voice tells me that this is wrong, and people also say that if he could cheat on her then he will do the same to me. But I don’t want to end the relationship. I would like to believe that if I continue to show him what life could be like with me, he will eventually choose me. What do you think, Minerva?

-Confused

Dear Confused, 

The truth is that no matter how he makes you feel, this is a man who is already in a committed relationship with another woman.

I think it is incredibly naïve of you to imagine that he will leave her for you. He made sure you knew what you were getting into, so that you would have zero expectations. You are the ‘other woman’ and that is unlikely to change.

I think you should take some time to consider the feelings of the woman you seem intent on replacing. She is or will be hurt and feel betrayed; put yourself in her shoes.

This man is not a good person, no matter how much he makes you laugh. What he is doing is incredibly selfish.

When you dreamt of the life you wanted, did you ever imagine it would be with someone who could not commit to you completely?

It is time to step back and let go of this relationship, which is bound to destroy you in the long run. It might mean that you will have to find a new job, since working at the same place with him will complicate things and may make it harder for you to just make a clean break and move on.

He refuses to kiss me

Dear Minerva,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. The problem is that although we are intimate, he refuses to kiss me. I think that in the year we have been together, we have kissed twice, or rather, I kissed him twice. When I did, he held himself stiffly, did not hug or touch me and kept his lips closed so that there was no tongue involved.

While he would kiss my face or neck, he said he does not like kissing on the mouth. I have read about people who don’t like kissing, but it is hard for me to deal with it because it is something I had always enjoyed – prior to my current relationship, of course.

I want to try and understand his feelings, but what about mine? What can I do? Could you help me with this? It is really bothering me.

-Bothered

Dear Bothered, 

Kissing is usually a precursor to other kinds of intimacy between lovers. So, I’m wondering how you managed to skip that step. Since you like kissing and he doesn’t, did the two of you decide together that you were going to avoid mouth on mouth contact? Because if you did, then you would be obliged to stick with it. If you didn’t, then you should not have let a year go by without addressing it.

However, if the latter is the case, it’s better late than never, right? You have to communicate your needs to him, but at the same time be cognisant of his. You obviously need to find out why he has a problem with it and whether talking would help. It would be good to know now whether he will need professional help, so don’t wait another year to talk about it.