“I use to think that when the day come I would feel so free and happy that it was over. But you know the day when it happen I felt so sad like if I lose something, like a emptiness. I don’t know how to really put it over in words but that night I went home and cry me belly full.
“Don’t ask me what I was crying for because I don’t really know, the tears just come and they keep coming and I cry and cry,” she said.
As she spoke, tears glistened in her eyes.
After ten years of marriage, her divorce was final recently.
I asked her to share with me how felt when she finally became a divorcee and initially she was hesitant because as she puts it “I don’t even know how to talk about it.” But eventually she gave in and we had a long conversation.
She requested that her name not be published. As I have said before, I prefer the persons who relate their experiences in this column to remain anonymous because many times they speak about things that are painful to them. Not knowing who is behind the words does not take away from the experience shared. We don’t live in a kind world and it is never my intention to make life more difficult for anyone I write about, by exposing them to negative public scrutiny.
“My marriage was over long before it was over,” she started, speaking slowly.
“I can’t really say when, but I just knew there came a time when I said this it. But saying this is it didn’t mean that right away I get up and say let we go and get a divorce. No, I still hang in there operating like everything is okay, but I am not even sure if I was praying for it work. Yes, I am a woman of faith but there comes a time when you know not even prayer would help,” she said.
She remained silent for a while and I asked her what was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back in her marriage.
It was a while before she responded.
“You know I don’t really know because looking back I don’t think it was just one reason. I loved this man and when we got married, I had said this is it; he was my forever. We would grow old together and have grandchildren. At first things was good. I mean is not that it was prefect but then again everybody does get issues.
“After a while he start talking about us having a child and it was like he thought it should happen overnight. But that was not the case we – if you ask him, he would say I was not getting pregnant – was not just getting pregnant. And the more he wanted to get intimate, the more it became stressful for me because every time my period come, I would start experiencing anxiety and it would bring an issue.
“I start getting sick with each month that pass and this man like he start changing or maybe I then start seeing him for who he was. He would say some of the most cruel things, to be honest I shame to tell you some of the things he use to tell me. Then he would start demanding to have sex and I was never in the mood anymore because is like he just want do so that we could get a baby and it made me sick.
“Things start to get worse and I suggest to him that we see a doctor, but he was convinced nothing was wrong with him and suggested I should see a doctor. Well he didn’t say it in a nice way but basically it was I who had the problem and I should get it fixed. Well I did go to the doctor and guess what? According to the doctor nothing was wrong with me but did my husband want to hear that? Nope.
“Well after that is like everything went downhill because from wanting to have sex all the time it went to not being interested. I can’t pinpoint when it started but I just knew he was cheating, not that anyone told me anything or I see something, but I just knew. He did not seem to want to have sex—and at first, I did not mind—and he was always getting home late from work. Sometimes I would call his phone and he would not answer.
“Then it was one thing to the other and we would just quarrel all the time, it was if this man just turn into a monster. And it was from him denying that he was being unfaithful to him almost throwing it in my face. I don’t think I ever felt so much pain when I finally confirmed that he was actually seeing somebody else. But still I try hold on and when he was in a good mood, I would try to tell him to go and see a doctor so we can start a family, but he always refused,” she was shaking her head as she spoke the last words.
“And so it continue, a steady argument, he spending more time out of the home and me just there pining away. After a while, I started to develop a hatred for this man, and I couldn’t believe I was married to him. Now before this, I pray that he would change, and I even pray for me to get pregnant because I said a baby might change things. But God in His wisdom ensure this did not happen and so after a while I started to see him for who he was.
“I don’t know it was at what point but one day I just knew I did not love him anymore I didn’t want to stay married to him, but I still hang on for a good while before one day I just said enough is enough. By then it was like we were living separate lives, he did not even eat home anymore, and I stopped cooking because who was I cooking for? I didn’t feel like eating most of the times. I did seek some intervention of close relatives, but it did not help, he denied he was cheating and acted like nothing was wrong.
“When I finally decided to leave, I did not even have that ‘talk’ with him I just left with just my clothes, I wanted nothing more. So, when he got home that night and found that I was not there he called, and I told him I had left. You know what he did? He laughed and told me that I should get home the following day. Well that did not happen, and he started to call and visit my work place and turn to family members. But you know in all that he never really come and say ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I love you and can’t live without you, please come home’ no it was like him demanding that I return. Like how dare me to leave without him telling me [I could] and mess up his image. At least that is how it felt at the time.
“Well it was months later and I filed for divorce but then it seemed as if he had moved on with his life because the calls were infrequent and he stopped trying to come to my office. When he got the divorce papers he did call and I would not repeat what he told me but eventually he went through with it. I made no demands on him.
“But as I said earlier when it finally happened, I did not expect to feel like someone had died for me. I had long since stopped wearing the wedding band, but I felt so sad and I cried a lot. But today I am in a better place, I am not seeing anyone but maybe one day I would find my real Mr Right. As for my ex he has really moved on. Someone else is in that place I called home, but he still does not have children.
“I don’t hate him anymore. I am just upset that I wasted ten years and more of my life on him. But you know what life goes on and I am going on too.”
She wore a smile as she spoke the last words. This sister is smart and a very strong woman and a tower of strength to others. I know she is okay and has moved on with her life.