Taking steps to overcome eight years of childhood sexual abuse

“It changed my life forever, because of what he did to me. He robbed me of my childhood. I don’t know who I would have become but I know it is not who I am today. I am just working on trying to make me better, but it is hard, very hard,” the 21-year-old said.

While for many at that age life would have just begun, for this woman it is as if she has already lived her life, all because of years of rape by a relative.

She agreed to speak to me because she sees it as therapy. Her one condition was that I was not to disclose her name or even the community where she lived because, “I can’t live with that public stain. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but I can’t live with that stain.”

“I was about the age of 11 and he was in his 20s and you know I looked up to him like a big cousin. I can’t remember how it all started but I know one time he showed me his private part and tell me touch it and even though I knew it was completely wrong I still touch it. And then he used to feel me up,” she told me via telephone.

“He didn’t have sex with me right away,” she said, adding that it happened gradually. “I can’t remember when I actually loss my virginity, but I know it was him, he was the first person. I can’t remember bleeding or anything, but after he started having sex with me, I was feeling uncomfortable doing it,” she added.

As she spoke those words, I could hear her breathing hard for a while before she continued.

“As I grew older, he used to give me money and I accepted things from him which I regret every day of my life because I knew it was wrong and I still accepted things from him but it was like he was controlling me.”

I told her she was just a little girl and he was indeed controlling her and raping her repeatedly as well.

“It’s like, I know he was the adult and he was raping me, but sometimes, you know, I still blame myself,” she answered.

“I told him many times I want to stop. One time when I ask him when it would stop, he told me when I turned 16 and I actually believed him. And if you know how I used to look forward to turning 16. But when I turned 16, he said it would stop when I turned 18. So, he was still having sex with me and I know I should not blame myself but I still blame myself,” she said.

“As I grew older, I started to feel more uncomfortable and it started to affect me more. You know growing up I never felt like a normal teenager, I felt different and weird from everybody else. Many times, I used to be crying and I made attempts to commit suicide. I used to act out, not every time I would allow him to rape me. I would try to fight him, and he would get upset and call me names and tell me that he would tell my mother how I steal from he or report it to the police. Sometimes I would act out and kick him and he would call me names and slap me when I [didn’t] want to give him sex.”

As she spoke, I heard the pain in her voice but all I could have done was listen because I did not want to interrupt. I knew it had to be difficult.

Pregnant

At the age of 17, she started a sexual relationship with someone she described as her boyfriend and by that time her rapist was using a condom when he forced himself on her. She got pregnant for her then 26-year-old boyfriend. “I knew it was not for my cousin and he knew it too and when I was pregnant, he never try anything. But when the baby father come by me to visit, he used to get vex and jealous and he stayed away a lot but then I lost the baby and then like I lost feelings for the person and we broke up.

“But then my cousin come back and… he used to make me do all kinds of thing… and I felt so dirty. Oh Lord, I can’t even think about it….”

She burst into tears and I listened on the telephone as she cried uncontrollably.

“I didn’t finish CXC. I dropped out of school because of a lot of circumstances and he was one of them because he also didn’t want me to go nowhere. I had to go to lesson and he always had a problem and like I just didn’t able it was like my life was over,” she continued.

“It was like I thought I would never get out the situation and when I couldn’t take it no more, when I was 19, is then I tell my parents and they confront him, and he admit everything and say he was sorry. My parents didn’t want report it or anything.

“They talked to him. They didn’t want to do him anything. He admitted everything and he said that he ain’t doing it to anybody else, but I hear he used to do it other girls and even other family members. I ask my parents if they blame me, but they tell me no. And you know I wanted him to feel some kind of consequence, but I know if I go into the police station everybody would know and I didn’t want the whole thing to blow up and stain me. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in the village anymore.

She said at one point her rapist tried reaching out to her and told her that he was sorry and that he wanted them to “live normal” again. “But that can’t happen. Never,” she said very forcibly.

“And you know with the new relationship we went through a rough patch because I was so full of negative thinking. I pushed him away by acting out. Like to me it was about how I used to think. However I think, I act. He told me to stop and I continued to do it. I pushed him away. We broke up and I am still hoping that we could get back together. I love him. He showed me love and affection. It’s like I break my own heart because I know that I love this person and I still did things to jeopardise the relationship.” Again, she started to cry.

As she cried, I ventured to tell her she cannot love anyone at present because she first has to start loving herself.

“Let me tell you something… I don’t know if it is because I didn’t get to finish school, I was molested or that I had a hard childhood but I had a lot of relationship drama which hurt me a whole lot. I have lot of bruises and scars on my body… I felt alone, and it was like no one could understand. My parents at one time felt I was possessed, and I had evil spirits, you know. I had a book and I use to write how I feel, and they never understood. I used to be in my room pelting things to the wall, slamming the room door, things like that. I was just filled with negative thoughts. I felt I had no purpose in life,” she shared.

“Anyway, I am alive now. God was there for me. He kept me strong. He kept me going. I am grateful for everything. I am grateful for the pain. I am trying to be more positive in life and to become somebody in life.

“I left the village because I felt trapped there and I wanted to do something with my life, educate myself. I felt like I would not be happy there. I had no self-esteem. I didn’t value my life and I felt like I was just worthless. So, right now, I am not in the village. I am to start a programme in September and I will get a certificate after one year and hopefully get a job,” she said.

‘Never suspected’

I asked her if her mother never suspected she was being molested especially in light of the fact that the man gave her money and other items.

“She never suspected. You know, she thought he was just helping me. He didn’t give me no large sum of money, it was not anything that would make her say how he giving you all of this,” she answered.

“But he took away my childhood from me and I blame him for everything that happen to me in that situation. I am praying every time, reading scripture from the bible so that God can give me strength to be a better and positive person.

“I don’t know if it is weird but all I ever wanted is somebody to love me and understand me, to understand what happened to me and just try to cope and make me feel better. And you know my last boyfriend knew of the situation. I told him everything and he understood. He tried with me and I kept pushing him away and now I pushed away the person that I love that was trying with me to help me to become somebody better so I could conquer the situation and move on,” she continued.

I again reminded her that she went through horrific abuse and should be counselled and learn to love herself before loving anyone else.

“I wanted to get counselling, but I never get it,” she answered.

“One time when I went to sign up at the institution somebody put me on to the welfare officer and I told her everything that happen to me and she told me to go and look up Johari window and do what they tell me to do,” she disclosed.

According to information on the internet, the Johari window is a technique that helps people better understand their relationship with themselves and others. It was created in 1995 by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham and is said to be used primarily in self-help groups and corporate settings as a heuristic exercise.

This sister followed the advice and has received help through the process. “You know, I know exactly how I feel, and it is not right. I don’t love myself. I don’t know how to love myself and how to be happy. I go on the internet and watch motivational speeches and try to motivate myself. I just want to be better,” she said almost pleadingly.

I have since arranged for her to be counselled and I will be following her progress. With counselling and family support, I hope she will finally be taught to love herself and move beyond her horrific past.