Dear Minerva,
I grew up poor. I shared a bedroom with 3 siblings and 4 cousins of both sexes. I never had any privacy and I always vowed to myself that when I had my own home, I would ensure I had my own space.
I am now 42 years old and I have finally done it –along with my husband. We have 2 children (ages 16 and 13) and we finally finished our house last year. We have 3 bedrooms, one of which is a master for us, and my children finally have their own rooms. I thought, privacy at last! But it didn’t last.
Just before Christmas, which should have been our first Christmas in our new home, my husband’s niece, her husband and 3 small children turned up on our doorstep with their bags. They came to stay because their toilet broke and the landlord said it would take 2 weeks to fix it. They ended up staying just over a month because the landlord did not fix it properly. Eventually, my husband bought them a new toilet set and paid to get it installed. The landlord is now supposed to let them deduct it from the rent, but I doubt we will see that money back. I don’t want anyone to ever turn up on our doorstep again and assume that they will be allowed to stay, so before they left, I made sure that his niece knew that.
Now, just a week after they left, my husband is telling me that his sister (the niece’s mother), who lives in another county, wants to come and spend “a few months”. I wanted to say no, but I toned it down and said not right now and we had an argument over it. My husband accused me of being selfish and not wanting his family around.
Minerva, it’s not true, at least it’s not just his family. I don’t want anyone coming to stay. My sister asked me months ago to take in her daughter and granddaughter, after her daughter left her husband, and I told her no, that her daughter should go and stay with her.
I am not being selfish. I just need my space. I want to be able to enjoy my home without it constantly being filled with people. I want to be alone in my kitchen. I want to walk around in my nightgown on the weekend. I want to not have to entertain or make conversation with houseguests and their visitors. I don’t think that is too much to ask. My husband knows this. I have told him a million times about how crowded my grandmother’s house was when I was growing up.
I am also pissed off that his relatives think they only have to ask him and not the both of us. I worked just as hard as he did to build this place and put in every penny I could afford. My husband is a very soft-hearted man who finds it hard to say no. I am different. I am not hard, not unkind and I have no problem helping others, but I believe in setting boundaries. I can say no and mean it and not care how the other person takes it.
How can I get my husband to put us, our privacy and our marriage first?
Thanks in advance for your advice.
– Needing space
Dear Needing space,
Honestly, relatives should wait to be invited, but it is clear your husband’s relatives know him. They know they can basically walk all over him and he will just smile and take it. If not, there is no way the niece and her family would have turned up without calling first.
With regard to his sister’s visit, I could understand it if she had to conduct urgent business in town and needed a place to stay for a few nights, but ‘a few months’ seems like an open ticket for an extended vacation.
It is a common misconception for people to assume that a house belongs to a man. It is because it is still a patriarchal society. And because of that delusion, they assume you do not have a say about who comes to visit and for how long. I am willing to bet that the niece told her mom about what you said to her and coming for a prolonged stay is the mom’s way of putting you in your place – so to speak.
You need to sit down and have a conversation with your husband about boundaries – what yours are and the fact that he needs to have some.
Tell your husband his sister and anyone else who asks will have to wait until you invite her/them and that you need your space right now, especially after having 5 people stay for a month. Let him know that you also said no to your sister.
Impress on him that your 3-bedroom house is for your family of four and that your children also need their space and their privacy. Ensure that you have a calm conversation with him. It should not be an argument.
Careful, not cheap
Dear Minerva,
I have been with my girlfriend for just over 8 months.
She celebrated her 22nd birthday last week and after listening to her hints, I bought her a handbag as a gift. I paid a modest price, although I know she would have liked a more expensive one. Unfortunately, it had more than one price tag and I wrapped it without removing the second one, so she was able to see how much I paid for it.
She is upset. She claimed it was cheap, and that it says something about how I see her. I wasn’t really sure what to say to that, because I did get her a fairly expensive perfume for Christmas. I think she looks at it from the point that I make a lot more money than she does, so I should spend more.
Minerva, she spends all she has on clothes, shoes, hair and makeup, which she doesn’t need because she is so beautiful. I have seen her when she just woke up – gorgeous. She lives from paycheck to paycheck, but I save. I don’t give her money, although I know she has friends whose boyfriends do that, because I know she could have more if she cut back on her spending.
I consider myself careful, not cheap. I am saving towards a goal which is my own house. I already have my own car, which I did not take a loan for. My girlfriend does not know the details of these things. I am thinking of telling her because I love her, and I believe she is the one. I was just hoping that she would have looked at the way I conserve and maybe change a little.
I don’t want to change her. I just want her to see the importance of saving for the future.
Tell me how to have this conversation with her without making it seem like I am criticizing her.
Thanks,
– Frugal guy
Dear Frugal guy,
Start with an apology – not for the gift, but for making her feel she is not worth more. Maybe you can work up to why you are frugal. You need to make her understand that you have ambitions which go beyond what is trendy and flashy; that you are saving towards building a good foundation. Then let her know that you see her as part of that future you are saving for. Don’t preach to her, it has to be a conversation. If you have not done so as yet, ask her about her plans for the future.
Perhaps you can offer to help her budget and save also, so that she can contribute towards that future, if she wants to be part of it. Since you have been together for over eight months, I am assuming that she is in it for the long term.
It will not hurt if you let her know that you believe she is beautiful without the makeup and other things she spends on.
Lucky escape
Dear Anonymous,
As requested, I have not published your letter. However, this is the response.
You have lost a friend and therefore your feelings are not unexpected — people feel unhappy and grieve when they lose someone or something.
However, I do not believe you are or ever were in love with this guy. If you had the time to get to know him better, you may have found that out for yourself. Women tend to be drawn to the ‘bad boy’ personas, but that doesn’t mean that person is good for you or that you are intended to make a life with them.
I believe you had a lucky escape from what could have been a bad relationship, had it gotten that far.
It’s obvious that you don’t make friends easily, but there is a lot you can do to take care of yourself and get your mind off this guy. I would recommend TED Talks. They are educational and entertaining. There is also a lot of very good podcasts you can listen to. You can also volunteer at any of the local NGOs in your area. In other words, if you keep busy, you will have no time to think about this guy.
Finally, consider that he was caught stealing. Is that really the type of person you want in your life?
