“You know they say you mek you children but you ain’t mek they mind? Well that is what happening with me. Sometimes I does want to know if me children just hate me or something. Is like everything I ask them to do is a problem,” she said, the frustration evident on her face.
“Sometimes I does want beat them but then I does just feel tired thinking about it, so I just end up talking and talking but them not listening,” she added.
A single parent for the past three years, this mother works six days a week from early in the morning to early afternoon, but difficulty with transportation means that she sometimes gets home just before nightfall or later. Her one day off from work is spent ensuring that household chores are completed. Apart from going to church, she does not have the time or finances to spend time with the children outside of the home. They may visit a relative from time to time but that is far as it goes.
She told me that she works long hours to support the children and while many times the money is still not enough, she wishes they would show some gratitude.
“It is like they don’t care for me. Everything I ask them to do like when they go home from school, I would go home and nothing done and is only after I start quarrel they would get up but if you see them face,” she said.
“Me and them father not together anymore but things not worse than when they father was around, sometimes I does believe it is even better than when he was around,” she continued.
I told her maybe the children are unhappy that their parents are no longer together.
“Yeah, but they big enough to understand and is not like them don’t know what use to happen. Is not like we had a happy home or anything and is not like if them father was a man who really use to spend time with them, like play with them or anything. He was there but still not there. And you know sometimes, me and all would feel sorry that we not together anymore because when I get marry was not to separate but sometimes that is life.”
As she spoke, I started to feel sorry for the children. While I understood her frustration as a single parent and not getting the needed cooperation from her children, I also realized how the children were feeling: their parents are separated, they often do not have enough and apart from church and school they are seldom involved in any activities.
“Look I does tell them that they have life better than me,” she said.
This is a statement I have heard so many parents make, even I am guilty of it at times. We had hard lives and we believe our children’s lives are better so they should just be grateful and happy. Mind you, I do believe that sometimes our children can be more appreciative of the efforts of their parents but providing a better life for them does not mean it is perfect in their imperfect world. They still have all the ills of this life coupled with the fact that the best parenting practices are often not employed, and they are emotionally and psychologically affected.
That being said, however, I do understand the struggle my single parent sister is experiencing. I see her almost every day as she goes to and from work and some days, I know she wishes she could stay home and rest.
“But I can’t stay home because then I wouldn’t get pay and I know it is wrong but sometimes I just too tired to fight the system,” she told me.
“I try to tell the children all I doing is for them because I want them to grow up and be better than me. I don’t keep them home from school. Whatever lil I get, I does send them. And is true sometimes is not much but I don’t want them stay home.
“I does understand that sometimes they would get tired, but I does be tired too. But what does hurt me more is when is holiday and them home whole day and yet they don’t do what I tell them to do. Is not like I does work them hard, is just lil work in the home and is like I asking too much. I does really feel frustrated sometimes,” she told me the same day she was fighting the flu.
We would talk from time to time, frequently about her not getting help from her children but she would also complain about the conditions under which she works.
“Poor people in this country don’t have nowhere to go that is why I does tell me children to go to school and learn and make something of themself because I don’t want them to go through the same punishment like me. I get marry early to get away from a poor home but end up being just as poor and me children now going through it.
“But I does tell them I didn’t get the opportunity to go to school but they getting it and sometimes I does feel they not taking it seriously…
“And then is the rudeness I have to put up with. You talk to them and they want to answer you back word for word. Then another thing because I didn’t go far in school, they want to correct me or feel they know more than me. Sometimes, I ain’t shame to tell you, I does feel bad and I would just shut me mouth,” she told me candidly.
I felt her pain that day because I know she tries. She does not get it right all the time but what I do know is that this sister loves her children. And at least on that day I felt her children should try a little more. Life is far from perfect for them and of course the separation of their parents would affect them adversely, but I wished they loved their mother more and tried to help out more in the house. And being rude to her of course is a no, no.
“I does sit down sometimes and talk to them. But you think them listening? Is like throwing water on duck back. But I have to do what I have to do, sometimes when I get mad and open me mouth then everybody would get up and get but it don’t make me feel good about me self. And when all the quarrelling done, I would feel so tired is like if my pressure get low or high and I have to go and lie down,” she said.
“But girl wah a guh do? I just have to keep going on and doing what I have to do. I have to talk to them and hope that something stick. I not beating. My beating days done. Licks don’t help, and I does feel more tired when I done. I does pray and talk, that is the most I can do. I hope as they get bigger, they would understand more and help out more.”
I agree with the sister’s approach and I am happy that corporal punishment is no longer involved. That being said I also understand her frustration, especially as a single parent. I know she believes she is doing her best and she is doing what she knows. Maybe we need more parenting seminars, especially for struggling single parents. The everyday trials of life can get the best of us down and when you have no back up help with the children it is ten times harder. I am happy that I lend this sister an ear from time to time.
