How lies hurt children

“I just wanted you out there to know if you are stepmother or a stepfather, sometimes you would try to protect that child, but you should only protect that child from their biological mother or biological father [if he/she] is a threat, if that mother is an abusive mother or that father is an abusive father…”

These were the words of a young woman who posted a video on Facebook where she spoke about growing up without her mother and how difficult it was being denied knowing her mother as a child. Since I did not receive permission to share this abridged version of her story I have left her name out.

“I hope my story makes you a better human,” she posted at the top of her video.

“I was brought up by a single father and the reason for that was because when I was three years old my mother and father decided to divorce… My father came from a good background, money was not an issue…

“He was a hard drinker, and he was a hard smoker, and my father had a lot of money, you know, when he clicked his fingers he could get any woman he wanted, and he could buy what he wanted in those days. My father also ran his own business, and he would surround himself with friends who were doing a lot of drugs, who were alcoholics… They were just with my father to grab whatever they could achieve…

“My mother got married to my father at a very young age. My grandfather thought by marrying my father at a very young age my father would change but my father was just a rebel. My father just wanted to do what he wanted to do, and my father lived his life. I would say he didn’t live a good life, he lived the best life because he could do anything he wanted to do where money was concerned.

“… My mom came from a very simple family… My mom didn’t have any qualifications… reading and writing were a struggle for my mom. “But basic things, being a good housewife, my mother was amazing when it came to that. But the life my father was living was so bad and my mother so much under stress [that she] just couldn’t handle it after living with my father for a couple of years; she tried. She decided that was not the kind of life she wanted. She wasn’t happy… my father was drinking a lot; every day, every night my father was drinking.

“My mother decided that she didn’t want to live like that anymore and she wanted to leave my father. So, my grandfather, because they had money and they knew a lot of people, they decided that my mom could go but they made a document that my mom did not have rights over me…

“So I was three years old when my mom left and went to Suriname and started her new life.

Stepmother

“A couple years later, my father decided he wanted to get married. [When his new wife] came to our house I was very young… I started to call her mommy… I didn’t have the understanding who she was. My father made me believe that she was my mother… No one never told me that this woman was not my mother. My stepmother made me believe she was my mother also.

“When I was about ten years or even a bit younger, my mom tried to visit me. My mom would bring Christmas toys or presents, but my stepmom would not allow my mom to come [in]…

“I could remember seeing a woman standing outside of our house with police, but I did not know that was my mom. And being a kid we were told you couldn’t speak to your parents in a certain way, ask questions in certain ways, so I never really asked who the woman was.

“But many years later I realized that it was my mother, and I was told it was my mother… When my mother would come to visit, my stepmother would always create a big problem and fight and argue with my father because she didn’t want my mom to come and visit.

“But if you know that is a good woman, what are you protecting that child from? What my stepmother and my father were actually doing was keeping me away from knowing my mother, denying me of that love.   “And I want you all out there to know that only a child can tell you the way they feel and explain to you emotionally what they go through…

“My advice here to you today is that if you have stepchildren and you know that their mother or father are good people… communicate… speak to the child don’t hide from the child. [Tell the child] that this is your mom, and we separated for so and so reason.

“Because parents separating have nothing to do with the children. It is not the children’s fault that a man and woman separated. You deciding to deny that child of their parent is totally wrong because when children grow up they still go and look for their parents regardless of what you try to do children will still go out there and look for their mother and father.

“… They would think and know for themselves if they want to connect with their parent or bond with their parent, so they would make that decision for themselves.

“In my case stepmother and my father made a decision that they didn’t want me to know who my mom was. So they made me believe that my stepmother was my mother, and I grew up believing that.

“… When I was 14 years old my stepmother left… [She] and my father used to have a lot of problems. They used to quarrel a lot and my father was also violent towards my stepmother…

My stepmother went to America and found another man and filed for divorce… That was when the story came out that she was not my mother.

“I asked my father so where is my mother. I was so confused. And my father said that my mother lived in Suriname… It took me time to process all of the information because I always had a feeling that my stepmother was not my mother; she was never a woman to hug you and cuddle you…

Meeting her mother

“… My father told me his side of the story and he apologized to me.

“You know every day of my life even onto today my father is still trying to make up to me for what he has done. But what is done is already done. I always tell people don’t live with regrets and don’t hide things from your children because the truth always comes out.

“I decided to go and meet my mom. My father made arrangements for me to go and meet my mom for the first time and I thought I would be so happy, the puzzle would come together, and I was so excited.

“But… I was 14 and I was already connected with my father. Anything in my life I would share with my father and I didn’t know if I wanted to hug my mom, kiss my mom, I had no clue what I wanted. I hugged her and I kept looking at her and kept touching her skin and touching her face and things like that, but I never felt connected…

“I had already bonded with my father, I never could bond with my mom. I decided to stay a little longer and spend some time with her, but it didn’t make any difference to me. I was already grown up and I was already connected to my father.

“I felt like my stepmom and my father took that away from me, that connection with my mother because my mother was trying. She used to try to visit me as a child. She wanted to see me and connect with me.

“I don’t blame her for that. She told me her side of the story and I respect her as mother and as a woman. She did the right thing. She wasn’t happy and she moved on.   “I had a good life. I grew up to be an amazing woman. I am a humble woman. I have everything in my life… Everything that happened was an experience and I learned from it and I am sharing my story publicly to help others.”

I did not agree with everything she said, like only a biological mother or father being able to give a child the love that child deserves, but I felt her pain. Tears streamed down her face as she described the pain she feels because she did not bond with her mother.

There are children who are adopted or who live with their stepparents who love them as their own, and in fact they are the only parents they know. However, it is important for parents, step or biological, not to deny children knowing their biological parents if they are available.

Love your stepchildren but also allow them to know their biological parents, it is their right.