“It is not that I don’t love my mother. I do feel something because if she calls right now I would drop what I am doing and go and help. But we have this difficult relationship and sometimes I just feel that it is better that we don’t be in contact,” she said with a painful expression on her face.
“My mother feels that the world revolves around her and that there is nothing or nobody else that matters.”
This sister and I were exchanging ‘mother stories’ and it was obvious that she loves her mom but struggles to maintain a working relationship with her.
“Sometimes I do blame her for a lot of what happened to me in life. And I feel I would have been better off if she had helped me to make better choices. Looking back, I feel that she pushed me into some decisions and now at this age I am not where I want to be. And I feel so depressed at times,” she continued.
“But Mommy don’t see anything wrong and don’t you dare try to tell her she did something wrong because it is like bringing down fire and brimstone. She would cry and call everybody who want listen and I would look like the worst daughter in the world.”
She has siblings and I asked her about her mother’s relationship with them.
“Honestly, sometimes I feel like if I am the black sheep of the family because it looks like they have the best relationship with her,” she responded. “We share different fathers and sometimes I wonder if it is because my father was the one who didn’t really contribute to my upbringing.
“I am not saying that she don’t get problems with my sisters and brother but like I does get most of the problems with she and they always calling and telling me that I should not have said this or should not have said that.
“Look is not that I would disrespect my mother, like use bad words or so, but at times I just have to tell her what it is. I don’t like, want to get into it all because I am sometimes ashamed to say some things. But to put it frankly, my mother is not a good woman,” she said almost angrily.
“That might be a bad thing to say and I really can’t tell anyone else because they would be upset or would not believe me. But it is true. Some of the things I know she did and what she is doing even now make me feel that way. She always trying to create confusion among her children, like working us against each other and it is always about her.”
I asked her if her mother has grandchildren and how is her relationship with them.
“I don’t have children, but my sisters and brother have… they are still small, but I don’t see this big love-up relationship with them and my mother. She is not one who would keep the children or so, she always busy and on the go. She would buy gifts and so on when is birthdays and Christmas, but I don’t see her spending any quality time with them,” she answered.
“I is the only one who not married and sometimes I feel my mother is happy about that. One time she told me that I would be just like her; never married. And you know what I wanted to say, well at least I not making children for different men, but I had to bite my tongue. I just wanted to say it to hurt her, because she was like throwing it in my face that I was not married and my sister and brother who younger done marry.
“I still plan to one day sit down and tell my mother how I feel, and she would have to listen. I don’t care how much she cry or how much she buse; I think it will be good for me to just tell her about some of the hurtful things she did to me.
“Maybe it would help me to also see where I went wrong. I not saying that I am a saint but since from a child my mother and I not getting along, and I think it is because of my father.
“Well, my father he is another story. I can’t talk about him right now. But I believe it is because of him that my mother treat me so as a child and the relationship just get worse over the years.”
She spoke some more about the relationship with her mother. I agreed with her that maybe she should attempt to share her pain with her mom. At least then, I believe, the healing process would begin.
I have heard many daughters (I do not know about sons, because I do not have close male friends) complain about their mothers and share that their relationships have been difficult.
I will be candid and admit I did not have the best relationship with my mom. I usually say our relationship was complicated. I am still not accustomed to referring to my mom in the past tense.
One of the reasons I encouraged this sister to speak to her mom (I even encouraged her to try and let some things go) is because when she is no more, the pain might be greater.
I recently lost my mom and to describe the pain I felt (and still feel some days) will be difficult. Sometimes I question whether I focused too much on the negatives and not on the positives. But I will never know. My mom had complicated relationships with all six of her daughters. We discussed this many times when she was alive and even after she died but we have all admitted that the immense pain we feel now that she has left this earth is almost debilitating at times.
If there is one thing I would tell people now, it is to try to mend relationships with their mothers as much as possible. I am not saying there will not be issues or to leave yourself undone—your emotional well-being is important and there must be self-care—but do as much as you can. When they are gone, it will hurt regardless. If you are a mother who has difficult relationships you’re your children please also try and mend them, accept some wrong, and apologise. It does not make you small, but it can contribute to a healthy relationship, which is most important.
If my mom were still alive, I would tell her I love her and I forgive her. If you still have that opportunity, do it, whether you are the mother or the daughter.
