The often untold grief of miscarriage

“I knew it was happening. I closed my legs tight as if to stop it from happening. I was standing in one place, my eyes closed, and I was just hoping and praying that it was not happening. But I just like dropped to the floor and started to bawl,” she said, tears flowing down her cheeks.

She had lost another child and for her it felt worse than the first time.

“I wanted a baby. That was always my dream and now to lose the second child, I don’t know. I really can’t describe how I was feeling but there was this pain. I can’t remember if there was any physical pain but there was like this hollow pain in the pit of my stomach and I just sobbed,” she continued.

“That day I was feeling quite fine. I had no inclination something was wrong. It was not like the first time I had felt this pain and then the bleeding started, and I knew that was it. But this time around, nothing, I had just finished using the toilet and I got up and suddenly I felt a warm liquid streaming down my legs.

“Right away, I knew it was blood and I was like I don’t see my menstruation and then it dawned on me what was happening, and I closed my legs and I prayed and begged for it not to happen. My husband was not home, and I did not even call anyone I just cleaned myself up and dragged myself into my bed,” she continued.

But unlike the first time when she bounced back quickly, the second saw her sink into depression. At 35, she believed that she should not try to get pregnant again.

“I was in bed for days and I had all these thoughts. I felt I was not good enough and that my husband would leave me. There were so many negative thoughts. Even though he was trying to support me it just got worse. I remained at home for days, did not want to go to work, did not want to do anything.

“For me it felt like there was no reason for me to live,” she said sadly.

She had to get counselling.

“I think that is what saved me eventually, the counselling and the support of my husband. It was a tall order, but he fought mighty hard to reassure and with time and the counselling I finally started to live again. I had made up my mind that I would have to live without a biological child and had started to think about adopting.

“I am not saying that I did not have bad days and sometimes I just would start to cry or just did not want to go anywhere or see anyone. But you know as time went by it got better even though the yearning for a baby was still there,” she shared.

“And you know about nine months after I got pregnant again. We were not trying, I was thinking we would have to adopt and then out of the blue,” she said grinning from ear to ear.

“I did not even know I was pregnant until about three months after because I was still seeing my menstruation but then I started to feel really sick and I wanted to know what was happening. I went to the doctor and he suggested a pregnancy test and I was so surprised. And then the good news came, and I brought my son to full term. I now have a three-year-old son and we are not going to attempt to make more.

“I am just happy that God allowed me to have another chance and gave me this precious gift. I am not the best mother, but I am working to be the best that I can, to give my son the best life that I could. I just want him to grow up and be a healthy, well-rounded adult who is contributing to society and I would be satisfied that I did a good job,” she said, still smiling.

“But you know whenever I hear about people losing a baby I never take it lightly because of what I went through and if I didn’t have a supportive husband and other relatives I don’t know what would have happened. To women out there who are going through that, just know you are not alone and with time things will get better,” she said.

Recently two influential women spoke about their experiences of losing their babies and how difficult it was for them. First Lady Arya Ali and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex have both publicly shared their experiences.

Both women have a son each but in many cases women do not have any children after they suffer miscarriages.

I have never had that experience, and I could only imagine how painful it is, like the sister above described.

Many pregnancies end in miscarriage and when a woman suffers this way, there is never any right or wrong way to feel. Women can feel guilt, anger, sadness and many other emotions rolled up into one with pain.

According to webmd.com, as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage – most often before a woman misses a menstrual period or even knows she’s pregnant. About 15%-25% of recognized pregnancies end in a miscarriage.

It was stated that more than 80% of miscarriages happen within the first three months of pregnancy. Miscarriages are less likely to happen after 20 weeks. When they do, doctors call them late miscarriages.

Symptoms of a miscarriage include:

• Bleeding that goes from light to heavy

• Severe cramps

• Belly pain

• Weakness

• Worsening or severe back pain

• Fever with any of the symptoms listed above

• Weight loss

• White-pink mucus

• Contractions

• Tissue that looks like blood clots passing from your vagina

• Fewer signs of pregnancy

It advised that you let yourself grieve. Do not restrict yourself and do not let anyone dictate how you must feel. We all deal with situations differently, and, sister, if you must cry, if you must grieve, do it. You don’t have to explain it to anyone. And as I always say, sisters, just be kind.