By Timothy Austin
Whether we buy them bootleg or pay to see them on cable or online, we enjoy getting our money’s worth when it comes to huge studio films. Unfortunately 2011 will be remembered as a year that film viewers endured several ‘stinkers’ and some giant bombs. Here is my reflection on 2011’s worst film offerings:
Immortals
The trailer garnered massive hype online and got us excited when we heard the phrase “from the makers of 300“ but what Immortals turned out to be was the most convoluted Greek mythology ‘crap-fest’ we have seen in years. It is truly hard to imagine that the team behind the awe-inspiring 300 could be capable of jamming so much confusing excrement into one film. I would not even attempt to review the plot since none of it made sense, apart from the obvious Gladiator rip offs. The acting was atrocious and this was particularly disappointing since I was quite excited about the casting of Slumdog Millionaire’s Freida Pinto in the role of the Oracle. While Pinto looked stunning, her acting crumbled amongst a cacophony of poorly executed Greek mythology references. The obvious green-screen special effects, Mickey Rourke’s hamming and the soundtrack’s blatant rip off of Hans Zimmer’s music added to our disappointment. Grade F+
In Time
This film proved that not everything that Justin Timberlake touches turns to gold. While the trailers promised a film as sophisticated as Christopher Nolan’s Inception, the actual film was a gross disappointment. Timberlake, despite his valiant efforts, could not save the film from its insipid plot about mankind being reduced to buying time (the way one buys groceries) in order to stay young and live longer. The premise may sound entertaining but the execution of the storyline can be likened to the production of ‘Pee Wee’s Play House’. Each scene spewed more garbage and one could not avoid laughing at the scene where Timberlake’s mother (played by Olivia Wilde) ran out of time and tried to hurry home to get some from her son, who raced out to meet her but was too late and she dropped dead before him. Yes! It is as bad as it sounds! Honestly, I have not seen such crappy script writing in a major release in years! Grade: F
Conan (2011)
Let’s face it. This film never had a chance. Why? How can one attempt to make a Conan film without Arnold Schwarzenegger? The “Conan” films are seen today as some of the most iconic action-adventure films of all time and many fans are still waiting for a third installment with Arnold returning in the lead role. An idea which sounds unlikely, given the actor’s age and his current “sword and scandal” battle with his own wife. But this unnecessary remake of Conan was downright painful to watch. Yet again the writers failed to create an intriguing story and Arnold’s replacement was definitely wearing way too much eye makeup for us to take him seriously. The acting was D-List and if you are going to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger at least give us someone with a physique that doesn’t scream “my Grandmother could take you out while sitting in her rocking chair”. Indeed the new Conan is an atrocity on celluloid that even an appearance by one of my favorite Sci-Fi actresses, Rose McGowan (of Charmed fame), could not salvage. Grade: D
Jack and Jill
How could this film be bad? Adam Sandler plays not one but two roles and he is dressed in drag for most of the film. Yep folks, Adam channels Dustin Hoffman’s Tootsie for what is sure not to be his first Academy Award nominated role. This film was painful to watch especially since legendary actor Al Pacino appeared in what could only be described as a train-wreck role. After the success of Just Go With It, Sandler probably felt he could do nothing wrong even after creating such a horrid storyline. With zero laughs and painful acting, Jack and Jill is certainly one of 2011’s worst films. Grade F+
Happy Feet Two
There was a time when animated films were sure box office gold and the writers were filled with wit and charm and guaranteed us a good, wholesome story-line. That period died with the universal disaster that was Dreamworks’ Cars 2. The nail in the coffin goes even deeper with the catastrophe that is Happy Feet Two. When I first saw the trailer I could not imagine why the film makers felt it was necessary to create a sequel to a film that was so complete. The first Happy Feet was a gigantic hit and the plot ended on a fantastic note. The sequel however squanders its celebrity voices with an inane plot, lousy song choices and downright boring premise. Even the Latin flavoured voice-inflections by ‘Modern Family’ break out star Sophia Vergara could not save this lifeless animated tale. The animation is as stunning as the original but unfortunately the same heart is not there. Happy Feet Two is sadly a standout example of why certain films should not have sequels. Grade C-
The Green Lantern
I have to say that I was truly hoping this film would be as epic as Thor and would continue the line of truly awesome super hero films we have seen in 2011 including Captain America. My hopes were obliterated when I sat down to watch what can only be described as a CGI septic tank. The elements that made Thor and Captain America so entertaining are completely missing from Lantern including humour, great action sequences and a good plot. We all know the classic story of Hal Jordon being given a ring that would transform him into a green-clad superhero with the ability to shoot powerful jets of energy; unfortunately the film makers were too afraid to offer us anything beyond that basic story and the film ended up being one moronic CGI war zone with a bulbous-headed villain that amounted to zero fear factor. It was brilliant to cast Ryan Reynolds as Lantern but he was saddled with a truly foolish plot, idiotic villain and Blake Lively as his love interest. Poor Ryan, how do you go from powerhouse Sandra Bullock in The Proposal to humdrum Blake Lively, whose leaked nude pictures are far more entertaining than this lacklustre superhero film? One bright spot was James Newton-Howard’s robust music score which has a truly awesome main theme for the Lantern. It is unfortunate that this film tanked since Newton-Howard deserves more recognition for his dynamic orchestral film scores. Grade F
Red Riding Hood
There is very little I can say to warn you about this film except: “run!“ This is an epically horrible film. The trailer promised a lush, sweeping tale in the vein of Hollywood’s latest fairy-tale blockbusters. The actual film turned out to be a Twilight rehash which turned the age-old fairy tale into a truly inane piece of film making with a plot that begged the question “is Grandma the big bad wolf, or is it her lover, her mother, or the village butcher”? Amanda Seyfried was brilliant as Meryl Streep’s daughter in Mama Mia, but 2011 was certainly not good to her with two major bombs that made my list. While Justin Timberlake took most of the blame for the horror that was In Time, Amanda is the title character in Red Riding Hood and even her angelic beauty could not distract us from the brain dead plot, over the top acting by Gary Oldman as a priest who wants revenge against the wolf, and truly unconvincing CGI special effects. The cinematography is stunning, especially the scenes where Amanda’s bright red cloak is contrasted against the stunningly white snow. But that may be the only saving grace for a film weighed down by the most ludicrous ending in recent memory. (No, Grandma is not the wolf). Beware of the well mocked village dance sequence in which a modern day rock song is used for a story which seems to have taken place in the medieval age. The fact that legendary screen siren Julie Christie (famous as Lara in Doctor Zhivago) plays Red’s grandmother makes this film even more painful to watch. Grade D +
Transformers Three
It is hard to imagine that anyone went to see this film since its predecessor was the worst thing on celluloid since Paris Hilton’s film debut. I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the first Transformers movie with its sleek special effects, humorous sequences courtesy of Shia LaBeouf and the camera’s constant worship of Megan Fox’s face and figure. I was eagerly awaiting its sequel which turned out to be a convoluted melee littered with plot holes and horrific acting. Granted the third installment is not as bad as the second film, but Michael Bay continues to emphasize special effects above an easy to follow plot. If moviegoers paid any attention to the plot rather than the giant robots, they would certainly develop migraines. The fact that Megan Fox makes no appearance in the film and the negative press that surrounded her departure further makes the film another bad entry in the robot soap opera. Grade: C
The Hangover Part II
“Idiots, fools, retards!” was the reaction of many fans of the original Hangover, including this reviewer, after viewing the lacklustre sequel. It is hard to find another film that matches the comic brilliance of the first film, however the sequel is a vomit-inducing rehash that simply regurgitates the comedy and plot from the original. This sequel greatly disappointed fans who waited with bated breath for more hilarity from Bradley Cooper and his gang of misfits. The fact that the writers only changed the location from Las Vegas toThailand angered many as the storyline was exactly what we had seen before. In years to come, many will view The Hangover II as the most disappointing sequel of all time. Grade: F +
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
There is no denying that the C-Section scene from Breaking Dawn is the worse sequence in recent cinematic history. While teen girls across the world swooned over the most famous vampire and werewolf characters in modern fiction, the rest of us were horrified that a group of adults, with seemingly normal functioning brains, could string together such a putrid film. There were numerous unintentional bits of comedy in the film including a laughable sex scene. Like its predecessors, the plot to Breaking Dawn can only be described as derivative nonsense created to intrigue young girls. However, unlike the previous entries this sequel has an abundance of shockingly foolish set pieces including the much laughed at birth scene, over the top fights and soap opera inspired wedding sequence. Why anyone would appreciate so much waste matter in one film is a mystery. The acting is to be commended as 2011’s worst, the cinematography and special effects are bearable while the film score by Oscar-nominated composer Alexandre Desplat may be the film’s only saving grace with a masterful sweep of orchestral beauty. The soundtrack which features Bruno Mars and Christina Perri is also to be commended especially Perri’s truly romantic “1000 Years”; but beyond the music and songs, Breaking Dawn is without a doubt a festering pit of overly hyped popular fiction worthy of the mantle ‘Worst Motion Picture of 2011’. Grade: F+++
