By the Predictor
In a top-secret, tight security, middle-of-the-night trip, the Predictor visited the wise old lady of Dochfour to gain an insight into what can be expected in 2009. Yes, it’s that time of year again and the Predictor took a peek at forthcoming major and not-so-major news events:
New Years headlines:
FOREST SOLD – humans, animals given ten days to move
COASTLAND ‘ONE GIANT BASIN’ – Persaud says washing clothes now easier
‘GIVE IT YOUR ALL’ – ‘who wants to be a First Lady’ reality show launched
MR BILLY GOAT’, MR MUTT MONGREL AWARDED CONTRACTS – senior official denies fraud
NEW HAIRSTYLE ‘VERY PRETTY’ ON PRIYA- poll
GUYANA, SURINAME IN BUDDING NEW RELATIONSHIP – marriage set for June – sources
91-YEAR-OLD COPS BEAUTY CROWN – drops dead minutes later; doctors warn pageants ‘dangerous’
LAND-BASED GROW MORE FOOD CAMPAIGN DEAD IN WATER – minister says aquaculture ‘next big thing’
COASTLAND DWELLERS EVOLVING – new study shows that locals growing fins to adapt to ‘accumulated water’
Highlights of upcoming stories
January 2009 – City Hall
Georgetown Mayor Hamilton Green and Town Clerk Beulah Williams embraced, held hands and with tear-filled eyes vowed to present a united front and stick together until “whenever”, according to City Hall sources. This comes in the light of repeated attempts by Central Government to oust them into the streets. “We will never become vagrants,” the duo said in a defiant statement on Tuesday.
February 2009 – The Office
of the President
President Bharrat Jagdeo on Monday banned shoes from the Presidential Office and his official residence, State House after being pelted by a reporter, who is currently under arrest. The reporter, who shockingly enough, was from the state media, shouted, “This is from the Caribs!” and called the President a “Bush dai-dai”, while hurling her high heels at the President, who sustained a black eye as a result. The reporter was said to be angry after the Caribs were forced from their forest homes, when the area was handed to an international organization to help in the fight against global warming. The reporter has been hailed as a hero by persons in the indigenous world, who have called for her release. “This is against the principles of democracy, we will fight to the end,” a puzzling statement from the organization, Free Beer said.
March 2009 – Congress Place
Leader of the opposition, Robert Corbin on Wednesday declared himself Supreme Leader for life following party elections on Wednesday. Unconfirmed reports say that only high ranking members of the party were allowed to vote. Sources told this newspaper that this basically meant that only three persons voted. Corbin, clothed in purple robes and a crown and referring to himself as a ‘Roman’ later threw himself a lavish victory party and declared himself Caesar.
April 2009 – Cocaine
So far, this year has been a bumper one for cocaine exports, a beaming and proud Minister declared Saturday. He said that exports more that tripled in the first half of the year and the drug was poised to overtake all our exports. The hyped minister said that innovative ways had been found to export the drugs and in recent times, various strategies had been launched including one dubbed ‘Christine in crackers’. While acknowledging that foreign governments did not like the product much, he stated that it was a “hit” with the populace.
May 2009 – Ministry of Agriculture
The personal umbrella carrier of Agriculture Minister Robert Persaud created history by appearing on television a record 20 hours per day, awed commentators reported on Friday. The astonished commentators in a report to be released today said that they were “wowed” by the unexpected result and noted that it could be attributed to the May/June rains. The amazed commentators declined to comment on whether the umbrella was deliberately placed to block the minister’s face but noted that the personal umbrella carrier was always looking into the camera and smiling.
June 2009 – The Providence Stadium
A state-of-the-art $100M chicken farm was opened at the unpaved parking lot of the Providence Stadium in a glitzy ceremony on Sunday. Addressing the gathering, Sports Minister Frank Anthony asserted that the parking lot will remain “basically unchanged” and assured that unlike in 2008 and previous years, the lot will remain dry during rainy weather because wood shavings will be scattered on the ground, with more added when necessary. He declared that the chicken farm on the parking lot is “convenient” and with interest being expressed by fast-food operators, it will make “a mint of money”. Anthony noted too that the ministry is looking at opening a car wash to wash chicken fecal matter off cars, which use the parking lot.
July 2009 – Roger Khan
Businessman Roger Khan was knighted for ‘major services rendered to his country’, according to state media. It was reported that Khan is the first person to be so honoured. It was not clear exactly how the ceremony was conducted since Guyana has no experience with knighting anyone but sources say that the ceremony was conducted by a “high ranking” personality. Khan has reportedly vowed to continue serving his country and has purchased a ship.
August 2009- Ministry of Human Services
Minister Priya Manickchand unveiled several new campaigns earlier this week. Apart from the re-introduction of ‘Stamp it out’, others include ‘Baygon’, ‘Kick them out’, ‘Go to mother’ and ‘Cook no food’. “I believe when these campaigns are in full swing, we will see a reduction in the number of cockroaches in our houses”, the Minister asserted, with a very fierce expression on her face. Everyone was afraid to remind her that the first ‘Stamp it out’ programme had not been very effective.
September 2009 – Berbice
A secessionist staged a breakaway and declared Berbice a “Republic” reports from New Amsterdam said. Farmers in Tapirs stormed several government buildings and tore up everything in sight to pieces in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. There were no casualties. The New Skeldon Sugar Factory is now the official seat of government and a new currency, the Boob, has been issued.
October 2009 – Cricket
A schoolboy team from the Charlestown High School severely trounced the West Indies Cricket team in a match that was played merely for pride. The West Indies team has none left, sources close to the team reported. Captain Chris Gayle has resorted to sucking his thumb while Ramnaresh Sarwan walks around with his “blankie”, incredible but true reports stated. Additionally, other team members are afraid to tell their mommies about the results of the match. An upcoming match will be played for marbles, since the team has “nothing left”. Meantime, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, a rock for so long, remains a rock. It is not clear when he would move.
November 2009 – Essequibo
The large, bumbling Cinderella County says that no one has paid “any attention whatsoever” to it this year. The county threw a major tantrum and had to be appeased with duty-free Polar from Venezuela, government sources said on Thursday. Essequibo, which encompasses the largest area in Guyana, was put to bed with a large glass of warm milk and a lullaby. No more attention is expected to be paid to it for the rest of the year “unless something really major happens”. Meantime, the existence of the Rupununi region, which forms a part of Essequibo, was denied and many believe it is a myth.
December 2009 – World
The world ended on Tuesday, Martians and other alien life forms reported. A new one was expected to be born within a few hours. In the interim, several aliens rushed to earth where they began looting major stores, in an unprecedented attack. Nothing was left untouched. Alien leader, Zijkuruth declared humans officially extinct. A creature with two legs, two arms, two eyes, a nose, mouth and who walked upright attempted to greet the alien leader by making a sound that sounded like ‘Happy New Year’. The unfamiliar creature was captured.
