Dear Minerva,
About nine years ago, I had a boyfriend (I was in high school at the time) and we both lived in the same area. He lived with his grandparents as his parents were overseas. We would visit each other’s homes and sometimes do homework together. We were not going to the same school but we were in the same lessons.
One night, it might have been around 8 o’clock, this boy almost raped me. We were kissing in his room as we did sometimes when he tried to take it further. I became afraid (I knew my mother would kill me if I got pregnant) and tried to stop him, but he refused to stop. At one point, I was really fighting him and he even hit me really hard to get me to give in. Fortunately, before he could do what he wanted, his grandmother came and knocked at the bedroom door and demanded that he open it. She never wanted it closed when I was there. That made him stop and I rushed into the toilet, fixed my clothes, and ran home. I never went back. I never told anyone and I stopped talking to him.
I think he had told his friends something (I’m not sure what) as they started laughing whenever they saw me. But I ignored them. I wanted to leave the lessons, but I could not find an excuse good enough for my mother.
I was able to do well at my exams despite what I went through. I even did better than him.
He later went overseas and we had not been in touch. Recently, he started following me on Instagram and Twitter (I don’t follow him back) and has a Facebook friend request pending. The reason I have not deleted his request is that I think I should finally confront him about what he tried to do to me all those years ago. I have actually written down what I want to say to him but I keep second-guessing myself. Should I or shouldn’t I, Minerva? What do you think?
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
There could be value for you in confronting him, even if he does not apologise. He basically got away with assault and attempted rape and that event is going to haunt you forever. You might experience some amount of closure after you are able to say to him all of the things you had bottled up inside all these years.
However, you should be aware that he could very well say things that might further hurt. For instance, if he attempts to negate the experience, or blame you for it, or he could very well still not see anything wrong with his actions back then. You should be prepared for anything.
Nevertheless, I vote on the side of you confronting him in a virtual chat. Whatever the outcome, you should also use it as a marker to finally step beyond that event. After the confrontation, forgive him, even if he does not ask you to. It will be freeing for you. And you can unfriend him afterwards.
He does not reciprocate
Dear Minerva,
I am 18 years of age. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2-plus years now and from then to now I have always been the one to visit him. And now it is only fair that he be the one to visit me.
We both know it’s his turn to come now but there’s something that’s stopping him from doing so and I am so mad right now because he told me that he would tell me exactly why he’s not coming but he’s also delaying to tell me.
I have done everything to make him happy. The only thing I can think of why he’s being hesitant about coming is him getting into contact with COVID-19, but since this coronavirus came about, I have visited him without any second thought.
I even gave him a surprise visit in April for his birthday and he was extremely happy but I feel like he’s not doing everything to make me happy.
So, Minerva I am asking for your advice on this. Thanks in advance for your help.
Confused
Dear Confused,
You were the one doing the running and perhaps it made your boyfriend complacent. But since he got used to you being the one to always visit, it is probably difficult for him to get out of the headspace where he still expects you to do it.
The way things are, there is not much you can do except wait for him to disclose why he cannot visit you. Since this is obviously important to you, I would suggest that you not visit him, even if he asks, while you are waiting.
You should always start as you mean to continue and so far, you have not done so. You can correct this now by being patient.
