“It is like a fight for survival. You are anxious most of the times, because you don’t know what will be the next move. Will the court grant him custody even though they are saying they don’t want to live with him? How would I survive this? How can I live without my children? These are the questions that would keep going through my mind.
“Sometimes I would wish they could become 18 and then there can be no more court story, but then if it happens too quickly I would miss out so much of their lives. To put it mildly, it is like daily torment.”
Jane (not her real name) was introduced to me through an acquaintance. For the past two years she has been going through the system (the Child Care and Protection Agency and the judiciary) in an ongoing battle for custody of her teenage sons. The battle was initiated by the father of the children, whom she said, initially had no care about the children’s upbringing. “I used to have to beg this man to even play a part in the children’s life. Let’s not talk yet about his lack of financial assistance. For their sake, I used to beg this man to just show some concern. They would ask questions about him and it became more and more difficult for me to answer,” Jane related.
“For me I could have just kept them away from him but of course as a parent I knew that would be unfair to them so I would try to ensure that at least he spent some time with them. But it was always an excuse and he kept moving address and at times it was hard to find him.”
At first she was hesitant to share her experience with me as she made it clear that she is a very private person but after I convinced her that all will be done to protect her identity she agreed.
“Of course I can’t tell you all because then people who know me would know and if I say something that could identify me please ensure you take it out,” she requested.
“You know, I never imagined that I would walk up a court steps or have to go to child care. So, after years of not taking care of these children and not even finding time to spend with them, this man decided that he wanted the children.
“I don’t know if it’s because they are bigger now and more independent or what. He first started, you know, allowing them to stay with him for weekends and so. And I was happy because, like I said, I wanted them to know him. But of course I kept insisting that he contributes to their upbringing because as a single parent it was hard, very hard.
“I had to leave the country one time and you know I said maybe it is a good time for them to stay with him for an extended period. It is not like I didn’t have nowhere to leave them but he was their father and he was showing more interest. Remember before I had to beg this man to spend time with the children and make up lies when he didn’t show.
“So this time, you know, I said to him I am leaving the country, keep the boys for a few weeks. The boys seemed pretty okay with it. He had a partner and they did not have an issue with her so I felt it was a good thing. I would keep in contact with them and one and two times they would complain but for me it was nothing major and I didn’t take it for nothing.
“I came back and to my surprise this man told me that he wanted the children to live with him because he didn’t think I was a fit mother. …Me, the one who brought them to the age they are with little or no help from him. Now he wants custody of the children.
“My boys, of course, opted to come with me and I had to get the police involved… He told the police all kinds of things, but like I said I had custody. The police told him that he had to go to child care if he wanted custody.
“When I hear child care, I got afraid right away because I have heard stories of people losing their children when child care involved. I said maybe he wouldn’t go but the man follow through because I got a letter and a call to meet with him at the office.
“I took the children and it was one back and forth because I had to counter what he was saying. The officer met with the children alone and after sometime she told him while we can get counselled and maybe work out joint custody, if he wants full custody he will have to approach the court. I was willing for this man to get the children every weekend if that is what he wanted but like he wanted more.
“And by then I was a little scared for my children’s well-being when they were with him because of some of the things they told me. The man got a lawyer and went to the High Court. I was like in shock because for me it was like all happening too fast.
“I started suffering from anxiety. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I couldn’t swallow my food sometimes and it was like if my entire world was crumbling because for me a judge had to make a ruling and that it is for me and my sons. I knew I was not a bad mother but that didn’t make me feel any better,” she told me.
She continued: “We appeared before the judge and after speaking to both of us she met with the children separately and after she came back and told him she is leaving the children in my custody. She said she was alarmed at some of the things the children told her, but that I should not question them. He seemed shocked because he and his lawyer told the court a whole concocted story and maybe he felt he was going to get through.
“Well he left the court very sad or upset that day. But it was not final. The judge wants to continue to see us and have welfare check on the children. She also instructed him to pay child support for the children [Jane had summoned him and he was months behind in his payment]. The judge allowed him to see the children every other weekend. I had to take them to him the first week it happened, and then after he did not call.
“The children did not seem to care because they didn’t want to go. But the thing is this man is still continuing with the case and I have to be going to court every few months and welfare have to be checking up on me regularly. This makes me so angry because when these children needed him the most he was not there. I don’t know why he is fighting for them now even though they don’t even want to be with him. They are old enough to make that decision.
“But this entire thing has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes it is a struggle to keep it together, honestly. I know a lot of people say that we women keep our children away from their fathers and some who don’t know the whole story might even say so in my case. But to be honest it is not, we could have had joint custody, and of course I would have wanted them to be with me during the school week. But he would have gotten them on the weekends and equal part of the holidays if he wanted.
“But he never showed any interest and now he just wants my children to live with him all the time. I can’t allow that. So far the system has been relatively fair to me but it does not really make it easier. I wish the judge could just complete the case because each court date brings on renewed anxiety which is not good for the children.
“I would say to the men out there, regardless of what happens between you and the woman, make time for your children and if she is preventing you then you make sure the system work for you. I know that children need both parents and it was never my desire to have an acrimonious relationship with my sons’ father. But fate would have it, it is that way,” she said with a sad shake of the head.
I have heard so many stories of parents fighting for custody of their children. There are wrongs on both sides as some mothers do use their children as weapons against fathers but then there are those fathers who don’t want to contribute to their children’s upbringing and would rather ‘punish’ them to spite the mother. Parents regardless of how your relationship ends, and I know there are some really bad endings, unless there is the threat of violence let that child or children spend time with both of you. Children need both mommy and daddy in their lives.
