Dear Minerva,
I hope you get this ’cause I really need an answer; my mind is confused.
I’m 22 and there is this girl who acts in two totally different ways when we’re [together] in person and when we text. When I’m around her, she would act weird like she doesn’t want to be next to me. Or she would be a bit mean. Then, another time, she’ll come around in a playful sense, but I can’t hug her or sit too close to her or touch her too much. But she can do those things to me if she wants to. This is all in public.
Now when were texting, she’s nice. She’ll ask how I’m doing, did I eat, and she basically shares her life with me. We are close right now and she’ll invite me to stuff and what’s not.
The problem is how she acts with me when people are around. Honestly that attitude died down a while back, but all of sudden she’s back with it. My question is why not treat me the same way you text me? I would ask her why right now, but it would become awkward, I’m sure of that. Thank you for taking the time to read. I also love what you do, I always have, and thank you for your response.
Confused mind
Dear Confused mind,
One way to determine if there is a particular reason this girl treats you differently in public at times is to observe who is around when she is acting strangely. Could it be that she does not want someone to see her interacting with you? Maybe family members or relatives? Or perhaps some of her friends? Was she warned against being too friendly with you? Does she have secrets to protect?
The responses to these questions may very well be the answers you are looking for. But you have to do that hard and awkward thing. You have to ask her. Even if things between the two of you become strained as a result, at least you will have an answer. But maybe things will not change, or they could possibly change for the better. Maybe once you have cleared the air, so to speak, things will improve.
It is a chance you have to take if you wish to stop living in limbo. One way or another, you will know for sure what’s up and then you can decide whether you wish to continue being her friend, or if it would be better to put some distance between you.
I am being the bigger person
Dear Minerva,
Around 4 years ago, I was betrayed by my best friend. I was having a difficult time at my job – she knew the entire scenario – and I saw that there was a vacancy at the place she worked. We talked about it and she told me to email her my CV. The next day, she sent it back and recommended that I remove some of my accomplishments. She said the CV made me sound overqualified for the job. I did as she asked and then submitted it.
I was called for an interview and at the end of it, one of the interviewers said it was a pity I had no experience with a particular skill. I could have kicked myself as it was one of the things my friend had asked me to omit. I did not get the job. I felt that she had deliberately sabotaged me and some months later, I carefully brought it up in a conversation. (I had long pretended that I was okay with it.) She told me that she was glad I did not get the job as she felt if we worked together it might destroy our friendship. I could not understand why she could not just say that to me in the first place, rather than deliberately sabotage me. She destroyed our friendship and I began to have less to do with her.
I was able to get a better job about a year after that, but I did not tell her as we were no longer close. It so happens that I work in HR and guess whose CV landed on my desktop a while ago? Yes, my former best friend. My first thought was to just delete it. But I decided against that action, so I treated it like any other.
Her CV made the first shortlist that I had to submit to my boss. Our workplace protocol meant I was forced to disclose that I knew the applicant, but I was able to say truthfully that I knew nothing of her work ethic and that the relationship was not a close one. It has not been close since she sabotaged me.
Since there were quite a few strong applicants who were heads and shoulders above her, she did not even make my boss’s final shortlist.
When I told my boyfriend about it, he was not pleased that I didn’t just delete her application. He feels that it would have been justified, given what she did to me. I disagree. I think that by remaining professional, I have taken the high road. What do you think?
Karma believer
Dear Karma believer,
I think you did the right thing.
In a way, you were already able to get your revenge and because of her actions, you are not obligated to give her a reference.
When she eventually finds out where you are now employed, she will assume you are the reason she did not get the job. If she is a vindictive person, she might attempt to sully your reputation, which makes the way you handled it extremely smart and doubly important.
Professionalism is sadly lacking in so many areas, keep employing yours.
