When I was growing up, experience and personal growth were never the factors people considered before having children. Age was so much the centre of discussions that it seemed all raising children required was lots of energy and it was a type of energy only young mothers possess. It was usually said in a way that made you feel guilty for delaying the process or not prioritizing it.
I think a lot about the type of mother I would be, if I decided to have children. I wrestle a lot with convincing myself that I will not repeat learned patterns, then spend hours thinking of all sorts of hypothetical situations that may arise and how I would parent.
The myth of the good mother hasn’t escaped me. I still find myself unconsciously imagining what motherhood would be like for me. I imagine fresh healthy foods, interactive and educational play times, family sport activities and all the trimmings you see in the movies even though I know it’s unrealistic. Perhaps I have become obsessed with getting it right or finding ways to make it perfect.
This week, when Naomi Campbell announced that she had become a mother to a baby girl at the age of 50, I thought to myself well if she waited so long she must have spent ages contemplating such a decision. I took a quick look at the comments sections in the news stories. There were the social reminder commentaries that she will be out of breath in no time and unable to keep up. Some even said it was selfish, that she will not have enough time to see her child live a full life.
What is a full life I thought? Does parenting only require physical energy for a child’s healthy upbringing? What about experience? What about patience? What about loss and what about unhappiness? Culturally, we have been shaped to ignore anything that doesn’t fit into the ideal movie-style family life. So, we tend not to deem anything outside of that negative.
As hard as we try to ignore it, we risk falling into a pattern of disappointment. Sure your joints start to get old at 50, but increased wisdom comes with age and experiences. Don’t children deserve parents who better understand life and the trials that lie ahead? Is it not better or more ideal to prepare them for the world through realistic parenting, in order for them to take shape as well rounded individuals?
This is not to say everyone should wait until they are much older to have children, but we should definitely start by removing age as the principal factor for determining if one should have a child. Children don’t only have material and basic needs but emotional and psychological needs. We must accept that life itself isn’t perfect and the fantasy of wanting to raise a child in the idealistic lifestyle seen only in films or on TV only sets them up for disappointment because that isn’t real life. It was not even so for Naomi Campbell who had a rocky relationship with her mother.
