It may be a bit late, but Happy New Year, nevertheless. The beginning of a year always makes me anxious. There is a heightened sense of the need to crush one’s goals and in the midst of pandemic when most of us are still barely hanging on by a thread this can seem overwhelming to say the least.
I have things I would like to achieve but I have moved away from seeing them as time-capped goals. If anything, the last two years have taught us that life happens and there is nothing we can do about it but perfect our bounce-back strategic planning.
I do, however. have an emotional goal that I want to begin working on and it is one that I know will be a work in progress for the rest of my life. It is the practice of setting and enforcing emotional boundaries. While praised openly by many, this is often met with disdain when enacted where it wasn’t before, forcing many like myself back into a continuous pattern of adjusting emotional boundaries for relationships. People tend to view it as sign of rejection and an insult to the relationship, when really, it is a healthy tool to emotionally protect oneself.
The last year has taught me that failure to enact my emotional boundaries leaves room for me to be easily triggered by harmful events; it affects my self-esteem and causes me to doubt my ability to genuinely care, when I know I am actually very capable of such.
Having boundaries doesn’t mean ignoring someone or being passive aggressive when they make an effort. Rather, it is about being honest as regards how something affects you and being clear as day why you choose to not interact with known triggers.
Boundaries are incredibly hard to establish. I have felt the guilt and fear of confrontation and abandonment when setting them. I suppose this is because most people still view the strength of relationships based on how much you can take despite it affecting you. They then tend to equate how much you can stomach with how much they imagine you care. Boundaries, however you may feel about them, bring you and the person you are setting them with into a new a dimension, sooner or later.
First and foremost, while the feeling of guilt may be overwhelming when setting them, remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for anyone’s feelings. You are responsible for yours and whatever you choose to expose yourself to. In my experience, setting boundaries helps others to eventually see that they too are worthy of enacting their own boundaries.
Second, set your boundaries calmly. If you are not in the position to do something say no and offer a little explanation as to why and while you are at it, don’t use the word sorry. This sometimes leaves room for feeling regret afterwards even though you know you did the right thing
Third, be prepared for the other person to be angry and upset over your boundaries. When you lend yourself emotionally to situations and events it’s normal for people to think that there is no end to your kindness. And while a pleasant feeling knowing that you can bring temporary relief hovers over you, don’t be distracted by it or feel tempted by the anger to people please. Respect your boundaries and by enforcing them, show people that you are serious about them.
I want increased healthy relationships for 2022 and that can only be achieved through healthy boundaries in any type of relationship. It ensures that each person’s self-esteem and self-respect aren’t diminished in the relationship and it empowers you to make healthier choices to your benefit because the balance of power is equal.
Happy New Year and Healthy Boundaries for 2022 and onwards.
