“You know what is the hardest thing?” she asked. I knew she was not expecting an answer. She continued, answering her own question. “Is knowing me children hungry and sometimes not getting enough to feed them.
“Is not like I sit down and not doing anything. I working hard. Almost every day of the week I at work, but sometimes the money just ain’t enough. Hard work is something I accustomed to but for all the days of my life like the money never enough and sometimes I ask God when things would get better.”
As she spoke, I saw the frustration on the single mother’s face. For months we have been in communication as she navigated becoming a single parent and fighting to remain positive when it seemed as if everything was stacked against her. I helped where I could, and sometimes I felt frustrated because it was never enough and where help was expected, it was never forthcoming. I reached out on her behalf, and I felt the disappointment more than her when the help needed did not materalise.
“Girl what you go do? I know about dem things, is all the days of me life I know about hard life. … When I get help I say thank God and when it don’t come I just thank God for life, because as dem say once there is life there is hope,” she said to me one day when I gave her yet more disappointing news.
I had excitedly told her that she would get some help, as it was promised, but in the long run it did not materialise. However, it was not all disappointing news because help came, just not through the expected channels.
“This life not easy. But you know I think I am better off than I been fuh years. I feel free, you know. Now I feel like I is me own big woman and even though me and me children still punishing it is nothing strange, so we making do,” she told me during one of our many conversations.
“I don’t really want talk bad about dem children father, because you know, people does say woman always talking bad about man. But listen to me when I tell you the truth, that man don’t really care about these children. And you know the first thing people does ask when you ask fuh help? Is wah happen to dem children father and I does can’t vex with them,” she continued.
I knew exactly what she was describing because even as I sought help on her behalf questions were asked about the father of the children. Persons wanted to know if they were still together and even if they were not why he was not helping out with the children. Those were questions I could not answer but I indicated steps were being taken to ensure that the man, who has taken himself completely out of the picture, takes up his responsibility.
“I not fighting this man. All I want is for him to look after he children. He never really used to look dem after when we been together, but he have to try now. I know we did poor but he coulda do more, but such is life. I don’t even want talk about dem time anymore all I want is for him to look after he children now.
“It does hurt me to know that all three of dem children is he own but he does behave like he ain’t gat to mind them. He know me family does help out sometimes, even when we went together is always me family helping out, but he can’t expect me family to mind me and me children. My family is not rich, but I does be thankful when dem help,” the mother said.
“I just hoping that with the new year things will be different and that he come around because dem children getting big and dem seeing what is happening. You know, my biggest wish is for dem to grow up and become something in life. I don’t want them to punish like how I punish in this life. Let them be something, get a job and so.
“So, no matter what, I does make sure dem go to school every day and I does try to tell them to pick up dem book. Sometimes when I go home, I does be tired because I does leave the house very early in de morning, but I does try. I show dem all dem hours I working and what lil bit money I getting at the end of deh month. But I does also tell them that we have to be thankful to God because some people have no job and nowhere to live.”
Sometimes we would have long conversations where she offloads when it is too much for her. There are times when I stay away from her because I know the conversations will be long. Not that she complains so much, but there is the need to speak to someone and I have been that someone in recent months. Apart from talking about her present situation, which appears dire at times, she sometimes also shares her hopes and dreams.
“My dream is to one day go back to school and be something you know,” she told me one day.
“I still young and when me children get big; I will still have time so that is what I dreaming about. I want a better job than I get, and I want to learn to read and write properly.” I heard the passion in her voice as she spoke.
“One day things will get better. I just know it. God can’t allow life to always be hard fuh me and me children. We can’t be like begging all deh days of we life. And the father, he have to step up. Is one man I had all me life and all dem children is he own. I don’t want him, he move on and that is good for him, but he have to mind he children.”
She shared how and why they separated and more intimate details about their lives but requested that I not make these public as she knew I would one day write about some of her experiences. She may never read this piece, but I have to respect her wishes.
“You see, things get better since you meet me,” she added. “Is not one way I been at all de time so when things look lil bad I still thank God. But no mother want to see dem children go hungry and that is the hardest part, but life goes on.”
I couldn’t agree with her more. She now lives on her own. I know how independent she feels and that was one of her greatest victories. But helping her through the journey cemented for me how difficult it is for the poor and downtrodden to navigate the public welfare system. Help is not readily available to them even if the need is evident. It is always a process and the questioning can be a barrier by itself because there were times, even though I was seeking help on her behalf, I felt violated. There is no one to really guide persons on how to access help and what needs to be done. It is a crying shame. I will be writing more about this specific situation as I now have firsthand experience. But I first want this sister to get to a place where she is comfortable and where she really feels empowered. She is getting there, and I hope with each step and each helping hand she will get there in the shortest possible time.
