Dear Editor,
At the start of this COVID-19 Lockdown adventure, I absolutely thought I was going to make the most out of all this extra time. It’s not that the stay-at-home order has changed that much for me (I already have pretty flexible working hours and can work from home)…. but it has kept me from leaving the house for more than a quick grocery run, no sporting events, no nights out, no family visits, no brunch (well, we are still having brunch at home — I’m not a complete savage).
All this staying home was supposed to give me several extra hours a week and I almost immediately started rattling off everything I want to get done with the extra time and started a ‘To-Do List” including things such as finally sorting out my closet and starting to write my memoirs. Well, here we are ….. two months into my stay-at-home order and my closet is still looking the same….
What’s the deal? Why am I not getting anything extra done even though I (supposedly) have more time?
Well, I am not feeling any more inspired to write than I did when I didn’t have extra time, nor do I have any more energy to sort through my clothes.
However, what I am feeling, is the stress of the uncertainty…. the build-up, emotional overwhelmingness of trying to work from home with a toddler, husband and three dogs quarantined. Anxiety about my family members and friends who are deemed essential workers. Worry about what all this is going to really mean for the economy when it’s over.
So, instead of doing super productive things when I am not working (you know, aside from the normal cooking, baking, laundry, and cleaning ), I’ve mostly been:
■ Enjoying the hell out of a fiery group chat (nonstop hilarity and support).
■ Having WhatsApp visits with family, especially grandparents (they get antsy when they haven’t seen their grandchildren in a while!).
■ Actually experimenting with various recipes.
Don’t get me wrong! I still want to do the other things on my extensive to-do List and I’ve made small strides toward getting them accomplished (like moving the journal from the box to the desk in the study), but I’m just not going to put as much emphasis on them as I did in the beginning.
I am simply not going to tell myself that I should be doing all of these things with my extra time, and I’m certainly not going to feel guilty about not having done them all when this Covid-19 nightmare is over.
I’m going to let myself feel the stress, anxiety, overwhelmingness and worry because they are indeed very real, very valid feelings and deserve attention, and I’m going to do what works to cope with them.
Right now, what works isn’t poetry, writing, yoga or spring cleaning; what works is talking with friends, family and comfort cooking……and maybe that’s productivity after all…..
Yours faithfully,
Mommy V
